woof. sometimes, the way things chain together to grant insight is an amazing thing.
on the very heels of that last post, an instant thought about heath and about why i bothered.
the analogy HH The Dali Lama used has many applications here. this one, arriving in this moment like sunrise. i smile.
when i met heath, he was a depressed, anxious, fearful, and utterly impacted person. i saw it immediately. it called to me. it demanded my attention. i could not resist. and there was just enough loneliness here that what might normally have resisted was easily overcome.
i received many bruises for my insistence upon dragging him from the raging river. to this day, i do not think he sees it, knows it. perhaps he never will. it doesn’t matter but for the whispering ego and pride that still think he should, of course.
i have long kicked myself for how my loneliness contributed to my willingness to remain near him, endure the many, deep cuts he gave me. but in this moment, i realize, it was a necessary component… both to pull him from the waters as well as to seed the things required to keep me from looking to enter them myself.
stars, sometimes, kamma is such a beautiful thing… even when it often seems snarled and ugly.
here, now, in this moment, at last, i know that in those moments, despite my own blindnesses and many ignorances, i did precisely what needed to be done. as did he. and here, in this moment, for the very first time in all of it, i am genuinely smiling. for him. for me. for all of it.
he is on a better path. i am on a better path. regardless the cuts and blood and pain, because of them, really… both of us are in a better place. goodness, the ache that rises for it all is intense. i am so happy for him. i am happy to know what small things i still know of him, and happy as well that we no longer cut one another, that there is nothing that would have such be needful.
that there are lingering resentments here i forgive myself for… and know they will fade. that there are lingering distrusts and hatred there i also forgive… for it no longer matters. just as i have and am learning from the things he left throbbing here, inside me, i know he too, will learn from the things that linger and throb inside him.
there is deep and wonderous beauty in that. more than i can put into words. that it all just… works… and is… this is a tender and delightful thing.
i wrote yesterday of how thankful i am to him and to his friend for all the things that encountering them have brought to me. but the words i used in that moment were flavored with those lingering resentments.
here, in this moment, already seeing that, and seeing more in this moment that is so tender and beautiful despite the various impediments and obscurations of each of us, all of us, i think to more quietly, gently and appropriately thank him, them.
i smile. i smile because there is the soft, quiet, and utterly pure feeling that i once had for both of them. it has not gone anywhere. it has not changed. it has not lessened. it has been covered, swathed, and hidden by all the other things here for a time… but, in this moment, they are parted and removed… and this is a beautiful thing.
thank you for being you, heath. thank you for being you, michael. thank you for every moment, for all thoughts, for every act, and for how, simply by being, you each have delivered good, helpful, and beautiful things to my life.
thank you for being no more or less human than i, thank you for insisting upon being yourselves, thank you for the many gifts of perspective, opinion, and motivation over this last year.
thank you for everything. truly, sincerely, and from the heart… thank you.