i am often accused of being too great an optimist. forever willing to give the benefit of the doubt, often when the entire multiverse is screaming in my face not to do so.
here i go again…
one of the primary reasons i am blogging these intensely personal things, and laying all my struggle out on the sidewalk is that there are a number of others – friends, relations, etc. – who have humbled me into the dirt by sharing with me that they are helpful to them.
another reason is that i have received direction to do so by my lama.
another is that, goofball that i am, i am compelled to write.
the list is longer, but i shan’t bore you with it, as these are sufficient to make the point.
the point is — i dislike the notion of this place being on lockdown. even as i also dislike the manner in which others who have been highly negative experiences here continue to return, attempt to access, and ‘keep tabs’ on me.
i have spent the time since the lockdown letting it all percolate in the back of my head. not in processing memory… just letting it simmer.
tonight, a bubble of insight rises and because it is true, and because i am no longer willing to avert my eyes from it, and because what ego wants doesn’t matter ( in this case, aversion in relation to those others) , i make what is to be a last run around this particular bush.
in honor of the truth i believe (even as i cannot say i know it yet beyond a conceptual and intellectual awareness)…
that connection and interdependance *are*,
that all this ego and aversion *impede*,
that those others, no matter how many times they arrive here, how much they read, or how often they may choose to do so, are *non-existant* and their ability to harm is *also such*,
i cannot continue to justify or even think that to keep the door closed to this place is proper, wholesome, or a worthy thing.
so. for the last time, correcting this and then, dropping the entire snarled mass that would ‘care’ one way or the other into the river… lethe have her way with it, it will no longer as much as breathe upon me, this space, any of it.