whenever i wonder if i’m ‘really a writer’ or not, all i have to do is try to go an entire week without writing something. hah.
i have not yet made it past three days, albeit that sometimes they never make it here.
so here i sit, no real ‘thought’ as to what i’m going to say, but something in the back of my head demanding that fingertips be set to home row and let whatever it is out.
let’s see… while i wait…
work is incredible. amazing. i still cannot believe i am actually doing this for a living again… and that all the things i knew could be, are. that’s happening a lot lately, in all areas. i’m still trying to figure out ‘what it means’… or if it means anything other than some convergence on which i’m not yet clear enough to understand beyond the conceptual.
i did not realize how i had missed feeling valued. it goes much deeper than the superficial thoughts and feelings of the last oh… seven years. i very much feel like a little blade of grass finally getting ‘my turn’ to reach up, stretch to the sun… just all glorious ‘at laaaaast’ and i can feel the warmth of it… and it just …. feels… so… good… to… reach.
even though everyone knows a blade of grass cannot touch the sun. it doesn’t even matter. not sure that will make sense. but that’s the feeling.
and i have it in every area, every space in this moment.
wow.
master sergeant mentioned to me last night that most things i write about are behind me. kind of made me stop and think (hah!). he’s right. but i suppose it makes sense… after all, thoughts come after the moment, not in it. thinking is not being.
i feel like i should bold that last sentence. but then i realize i don’t need to. it’s seeping up from the earth, water table rising. little trembling green shoot unfurling. heh.
i’m not ‘happy’. but i am not ‘sad’, either. it is interesting. i think i’m finding that middle space. and it’s happening a lot more often lately. the feeling of balance is something that i’m not having to hold onto or even try to maintain. floating but not. hrm. can’t really describe it. drat.
since recognizing that most of my writing is hindsight, i’ve been thinking about doing more ‘in the moment’ rather than after. this is the first real attempt at it outside the realm of chat interactions… and i don’t feel as if those “count” except to the degree that they often unearth little gems i squirrel away here later. i do recognize the things that shine. fortunately. heh.
ummm. i’m roasting porkchops and rosemary potatoes for supper and it’s starting to smell good. tongue swells, saliva rises, stomache growls. i laugh. i’ve been doing ‘one meal a day’ for a time now… the body is eager.
i’ve got several more articles rolling around in the back of my head for work. not quite soup yet. it is nice how this happens these days. i don’t even have to think about it. just stuff my head full of information and a few days later, open the lid and voila! it’s soup.
that’s happening a lot lately, too. damn interesting.
parallels and patterns leap out to the mind, the eye… in ways they didn’t used to… i see things in others, in interactions, in many things that i didn’t notice before… it feels weird. and i don’t dare try to describe it. it will just sound…. nutty.
timing is becoming eerie. i had a curious ‘wild thought’ to do something nice for someone i know only very, very loosely… so i did it. sent it along. they wrote me back amazed because they were JUST contacting someone about that very thing and the items i sent along made the need to spend effort on it unnecessary.
that made me smile. them too.
coincidences. synchronicities. they’re so common now that i only mention them when they are ‘above the horizon of the pattern’ or ‘beyond the pale’ or are such pointed examples of perfection in timing that i can’t help but mention them.
heh. fake it until you can make it. i always said the way i could tell i was where i should be, doing what i should do was the presence of such things, and of the swells of Focus. swell hell… i’m surfing, walking on water, shooting the curl.
most strange is that doesn’t of itself trigger a reaction. no hyper happiness. no pride. no sense of ‘satisfaction’. i note it. i am mildly surprised. i smile. and i let it be.
someone call the press, i think i may be learning something for a change. heh.
sitting here now and wondering if whatever it was tickling the back of my brain is happy with things. do i need to keep typing? listening to the corners of my mind… silence.
reckon i’m done for now.