i think about you in cycles, i discover. no real initiator. no happening. no choice to do so. just happens. think about how it felt to smile for you, to you, with you. think about merry moments, peaceful moments, soft and wistful moments. think about how it was before you gave in to fear and i became angry for it.
much less often now than then. spans of time between are lengthening. slowly. i no longer wonder if you wonder. i’m certain you do not and am happy to think you do not. i would not want you to do this as i do. i would not want you to be this… human.
i used to get angry at myself for thinking about you. i do not anymore. suchness. it is.
i don’t let myself wonder quite as much. i remind myself how happy you must be. i comfort myself with thoughts of your happiness. i suppose that will sound weird. no matter.
i am thankful to have people who understand in my life. for whom such thoughts (ah, the pun!) are not bothersome. it is helpful to feel their understanding of that of me that cares, that loves.
poor lil eyeore shudders by the river, adding to the waters, thankful to be allowed to feel.
sometimes, i think having someone like the master sergeant in my life has helped me realize it is ok to be as i am. there is thanks to give to you as well, and i do, and only occasionally do i wish you could hear them.
you taught me a lot, even if most of the learning happened long after you’d walked away. thank you for it. all of it. truly.
there is part of me that wishes you didn’t have to become a memory, that wishes you could know it is just care, just love. a simple thing.
i haven’t found how to completely stop missing you just yet. i’m sorry for that, mostly because there’s part of me that thinks no one around me deserves to see it, hear it, feel it. i count it progress that it’s ok just the same. i’m learning how to live with it until i figure out how to live without it.
for the first time, no sense or need to go back and rearrange things. stones in the field that i have no need to touch, move, or pick up anymore. just letting these things out as they rise, and working on not being too hard on myself for them.
every now and then, i think about those white shores. i don’t think i’ll find them for a long time yet. maybe by the time i do, i’ll be able to just be there.
all things in time.
but… thank you for telling me they exist… and thank you for giving just enough that i could believe it.