woke up from an odd dream that i’m not going to document (i think). and with my mind full of things from recent discussions and the usual squirmies i’ve been dealing with from 2006.
the decision to take a break from thought and let whatever stewing finish and float up for handling was, i think, wise.
recent things demonstrate a rather profound link between ancient history and the events of the year past… a thing that has only become clear with refusing to think about it. which may sound weird, but there it is.
it boggles me how all of this very pointedly converged on a space/time that could really open me up to this. heh. i’m getting ahead of myself. hrm. how to explain.
i had a conversation the other night with the master sergeant in which i was trying to explain extemporaneously why the ‘whole heath thing’ has been so difficult for me.
i wanted to explain it because it often doesn’t seem very fair to him that it continues to crop up. i also wanted to explain it because i didn’t want him to think i was continuing to cling to that person or the feelings of early 2006. in very real ways, every iota of it was shredded, destroyed in august.
had there been anything to survive august, which i’m willing to admit possible, even as i do not think/feel it so, it was forever decimated by the events of december.
so. done. dead. utterly. even as the agapos remains. which will sound a contradiction to anyone that doesn’t actually know me. but that’s ok.
anyway. i was speaking with master sergeant, stumbling through the explanation of ‘why’ certain things from that time continue to haunt, why i still write about it, about heath, etc.
heath is the best analogy i’ve ever been given to deal with the ancient wounds. the dynamic was much the same, even as the events and the person were completely different.
the same refusal to simply care. the same inability to accept. the same nourished distrust. the same paranoia. the same verbal and emotional neglect and abuse. the same progression.
simply put, the experiences with heath almost exactly mirrored those of certain horrific experiences from my youth.
it isn’t heath i’m working to ‘get over’. that was the easy part. it is the older and uglier things he mirrored that i’m working on… and it just so happens that the safest way to handle them is to continue doing so through the filter of 2006 and of heath.
i suppose that will seem very strange. sometimes it seems strange to me. but it is working, so i don’t really question it.
of course, the result is often that i present some very conflicted things. on the one hand, i’ll write about anger, hate, disdain, frustration, and such… and will use heath, those events, etc. as the framework. on the other, i’ll write about pensiveness, ache, the sense of missing possibility, etc. and this is also in the framework of heath and the events of 2006.
there is one, lingering regret in relation to heath himself. but the rest are simply the ancient things carefully wrapped in the foil of heath and the events of 2006 so i can look at them whatever.
the only thing i actually regret in relation to heath is that i was/am so embroiled in that ancient history that i was unable to deal with him in any context that was free of it.
the only thing i regret in relation to this, here, now, is that i’m resigned to deal with it in the context/framework of heath and thus, give anyone the idea that there is anything here except relief and contentment for being free of what was, in every way, a destructive and harmful relationship.
i’ll reiterate that — there were profound lessons in 2006 and the brief and horribly negative relationship with heath. i am thankful of them. but there was nothing of care or friendship received from heath except that which the universe through him delivered in spite of him…. flashes of ‘might have beens’ that were mostly and immediately stultified by the extreme distrust and paranoia of him… most of which was exacerbated by my own insistence upon barreling through both my own reactions and the warning signs i saw every step of the way.
i suppose it will sound arrogant to say i did see them. all the same, it is true. (shrug)
the lies he gave me were forgiven long ago as the reactions of one lost to their own torments. but they still serve as reflections of far older lies that hurt deeper than heath himself was ever capable of reaching.
the accusations and distrusts he nourished in relation to me were easily forgiven as ignorance. anyone who ever bothered to know me knows how laughable such things are… but they still serve as focal points for dealing with the ancient accusations and distrusts that scarred in terrible ways.
the actions and my reactions to them are long reconciled, but they serve as frameworks in which to present and set arrows to actions from long ago… and to work on shifting reactions here, now, so these things are no longer ‘part of who i am’.
succinctly, finding the way to let them go.
the good news is, i let heath go in august. because of this, for the first time in my life, i know it is possible to let go of the ancient things, too. i will always be thankful to heath for showing me this, even as i know he had no idea whatever that he was doing so.
now it’s down to slogging through it all, making use of the tools that the events of 2006 and encountering heath provided, and making it real.
the interesting thing is this — the advent/meeting of the master sergeant i find just as relevant and timely as the advent/meeting of heath.
in many ways, i’m beginning to believe that this meeting is as much to assist in developing myself above and beyond the ancient history that i have allowed to define ‘who i am’ and ‘who i can be’ as 2006 and heath were to the process of doing more than shivering at distance and avoiding those ancient things out of fear that i would be unable to handle/deal with them.
2006 and heath were all about showing me the very worst of that history and demonstrating that it does not have to remain with me, in me. that i am not doomed to actually be the things given to me, done to me, or set upon me as some odd geas.
2007 and the master sergeant are, i believe, about showing me the very best of me and demonstrating that it is absolutely possible for me to be every positive aspect i ever dreamt of giving to others, to the world.
master sergeant, in so many ways, provides the very comfort, acceptance, kindness, care that i wanted from those of the ancient time… and more recently… of heath…. and could not have for reasons that have nothing to do with who i am or who i am not, but who they were and are, and what they could or could not manage.
master sergeant, be it by virtue or synchronicity, naturally, is precisely what is needed here to manifest these positive things. he is as positively and capable as heath was negative and incapable. the timing and seeming contrast/comparison is just… mind boggling.
ironically, i could not have been who i am with master sergeant had i not encountered heath, had i not had those experiences of 2006. but this i see simply as the truth of All Things In Their Right Place and the nature of multiverse… which is, in every moment, a blessing and a gift.