i really dislike money. i dislike it because often, i have to think of it and i would prefer not to. not as in ‘i want more’… more like ‘i’m weary of going without necessities and frustrated because so often, the only reason i do is money.’
i dislike feeling guilty for obtaining things that are needed. my eyes have gotten worse. i am now officially ‘legally blind’ in my left eye and the right one is slowly sliding in that direction.
for the last eight years, i have gotten the ‘detached retinas’ scare whenever i visit the eye doctor. yeah, yeah… plenty of light, beware hitting me head, if you see sudden bright lights or lots of floaters, get in right away.
so… no more rollercoasters, etc. i do miss the rollercoasters.
this last exam, i find my left eye has lost another one and a quarter to myopia, taking me to -7.25. without correction, legally blind. fortunately, glasses still work, but contacts are now officially out. the astigmatism combined with the myopia. bleh.
and for the first time, i got the ‘you may be going blind’ speech.
oh joy.
apparently, losing that much in less than a year points to degeneration. they haven’t moved me to every six month exams just yet… but likely will if the next exam shows the same degree of deterioration.
so. no contacts means i had to buy glasses. glasses are not cheap. i got the cheapest frames i could find, but the lenses are just… stupidly expensive. i’m supposed to be in bifocals now, but couldn’t afford them. so… single vision lenses.
i’m supposed to be in anti-glare so as to stave off eye strain and keep from ripping my retinas off for it. but also out of my price range and thus, denied.
i can see. at distance anyway. reading up close is just not happening. it’s ok… didn’t have any books to read and most of what i do at work is intermediate (monitor, etc).
when i can afford it, i’ll go back and have another pair made with the bifocals, anti-glare. we don’t have vision insurance… so that’ll be something i’ll need to save up for.
all the same, i felt guilty about buying these glasses. and now, back to the > $300 and two weeks to payday… gee, if i eat tuna, bread, and cereal some more, i probably can eek that out… i’m sitting here huffing at circumstances and hating money.
on the other hand, all the other bills are paid. rent… paid. i didn’t get to transfer the tags. but maybe karma will be kind another two weeks.
it just gets old to have to keep saying to myself, ‘next payday will be the one that gets me over the hump.’
i think about bjorges. he went blind. he and i were born on the same day. that was a surprise. heh.
actually, i’m thinking about the possibility of actually going blind. i’m not real sure what i would do. it would be the end of many things. i wonder if it would be darkness or just inability to distinguish. i suppose it doesn’t matter, but i think i would prefer permanent blurriness with color to total darkness.
here’s to hoping i get a choice.