it’s 10:30ish. i should be in bed. instead, sitting here with random thoughts.
i finally figured out how to get those silly horoscopes off my phone. but i’m now unsure i want to… silly synchronicities keep showing up there. they make me smile. yesterday’s was:
“Something you thought was vital is going away — but you’re better off without it.”
hah. so. i keep them. for now.
hrm. i still haven’t watched ‘the science of sleep’. perhaps tomorrow night. it’s been calling me for a few days and i’ve been ignoring it. supposedly, the movie deals with hypnogogia.
for some reason, i thought to look that word up. it didn’t look right. but it is spelled correctly. but as a result of looking it up, another synchronicity.
agent. hah. i’m laughing. he called me an agent. i didn’t realize what he meant. not fully. i do now, thanks to that link.
what an interesting thing to call someone. the insight is deep. agents do not believe what they say, write, or communicate. they’ll say anything, do anything, because their job, goal, and commitment is anything except what you think it is.
i consider that in light of the mess. i had no idea what a convoluted briar patch he had created in his head over me. poor boy. it is so much clearer just for this one insight.
no wonder he’s a nervous wreck.
i remember he asked me very early on what i would consider as ‘the aspects of myself’. i think it was his way of looking for labels without having to use that word.
i told him there were four aspects that had been with me as long as i could remember. i named them to him. i don’t think he ever took them at face value. at least, i didn’t think he did until i read this link and realize just what he was really saying in calling me an agent.
what a small minded person. truly. were he right, were i ‘an agent’…. the slowly suffocating places that have and are dying for his lack of attention and care would hardly be the rich soil in which to plant anything. except perhaps a tombstone.
oh what vanity. what arrogance. mirror of ancient horrors, indeed. i was far, far more correct than even i knew. hindsight brings a shudder. what a close call.
i remember how surprised he was that i had an interest in memetics. i realize now that, like so many of his interests, his was superficial and more in relation to control than advancement. this, easily demonstrated by the vise-like stranglehold grip on ‘his things’… and the decided preference to watch things die unless they could garner for him the control he needed to hold.
oh boy. oh little boy. hah. i get it now. wow. i didn’t think it possible for a person to be that knotted up. but as it turns out, the little glimmer of synchronicity is, as usual, spot on… something i thought was vital is gone… and i’m better off without it. not only that, but i’ve got a much better insight to the nature of vital.
win-win.