sometimes, the changes happening here take even me by surprise.
in many ways, my emotions are on one hell of a roller coaster ride lately.
i’m not quite sure how it happened, but that door, you know the one? the one waaaaaaay in the back of your head, the one that keeps all the ghosts locked up, the one that you always tell yourself is protecting you from stars only knows what, because if the things behind that door get loose, why you just don’t know what will happen and it’s a bit frightening to even consider?
well that damn thing is off the frakking hinges. gone. and every bit of what was skulking, hiding, shivering, banging on the barrier screaming to get out is just…. all over the damn place.
it’s mostly just as scary as i thought it would be, but somehow the actual fear is gone. i am not sure that is going to make sense. the way i have it figured, either i am finally toppling over the edge into…? or i’m actually making progress.
i can’t decide from moment to moment which. but somehow, that’s ok, too. yeah, i know. it’s very odd.
anyway… today i am standing outside having a clove and i see this dark dot fall from the sky and land about two feet from my left foot.
it is a bee.
i watch. it shudders and does this weird, sideways stagger and i notice its legs are stuffed full of collected goodness. it looks tired. it is obviously struggling just to move around. i get the feeling that it was knocked out of the sky, but i have no idea by what.
so i ponder that for a moment. almost lunch for a passing bird? collision with a leaf? miscalculation on distance when trying to land on the roof? a gust of wind?
it doesn’t really matter of course, but for the moment, i’m intensely curious. and suddenly, i have this feeling.
i actually feel sad for the bee. i feel a sense of wonder that whatever happened, it’s there and not jumping over to sting me (as has often been the way with bees and me, for unknown reasons… and since i’m allergic to them, i used to be pretty quick to stomp them if they’re foolish enough to land in reach).
that thought lands and i feel ashamed. actually ashamed. and i say a small prayer of sorrow and contrition. for all the bees.
i’m watching this bee stagger across the sidewalk. whatever happened, it’s still shaking it off. but as it continues, a few inches, half a foot, a hopping attempt to fly that fails… then another… i find myself urging the bee on. silently. standing very still. but all my spirit and mind are just… grandstanding… ‘come on… you can do it… keep trying… push…!’
and in that moment, be damned if it didn’t make a leap up that was as purely perfect as all that had gone before was failure. and in an instant, it was gone. straight up into the sky and there i stood, blinded by the sun, trying to watch.
i laughed at myself, of course. but i reminded myself that it was the first time a bee had been that close to me and not tried to sting me. and it was the first time i’d seen one that close and hadn’t tried to kill it. and it was the first time i watched a bee struggle and cared if it made it or not.
compassion.
for a bee.
i started crying. then i stubbed out my clove and shook my head and chided myself for being a foolish woman with too much going on in the head and not enough sense to know how to stop it.
then, when the chiding finally worked in making me feel foolish and thus, dried up the tears, i wiped my face carefully and returned to my desk… took a deep breath… and put it out of my mind to continue work.
but as soon as i got home, goofball that i am, i remembered. and here i sit, crying again, over a bee. and typing this up because i can’t help but think that maybe being willing to cry over a bee isn’t such a bad thing… and maybe, just maybe, wanting to be someone who would be willing to cry over a bee is not foolish at all.
maybe, being someone willing to cry over a bee is someone i’ve always been, but i’ve been so busy locking up all the parts that hurt for the many ways the world and others bring those tears that i’d forgotten it.
somehow, being that kind of crazy just doesn’t seem so bad in this moment. even if the rest of the world insists otherwise. maybe especially because they do.