i wrote someone the other day asking for good vibes because i’m feeling a bit down. today, they arrived. i actually felt them. which prompted the following to the place where the initial request was set, given in response to a kind and very tender post that brought tears and smiles.
i appreciate the thoughts. and the vibes. had a moment today where i swear i could feel it… like rain, or maybe a waterfall. sitting in traffic, suddenly, and as beautiful as a thunderstorm in the desert. so whomever, wherever, however, thank you, all of you.
as for perspective, it’s a bit splintered. this may sound odd, but i tend to segregate all my many parts so i can accept them as one. instead of rejecting one over or for another. it likely appears very fractured to the outside world… but it works very well for what is needed here.
i mention it because the overwhelming majority of who/what/how i am is not these moments of oddness, even as every bit of it is part of who, what, and how i am. the difference between now and possibility, i suppose, keeps me mindful of the need to aspire even as i am forever working to be all of it ‘now’ instead of slouching from it with a ‘maybe next life’ perspective.
damn hard work. i get tired. sometimes just… despair. it kind of reminds me of a situation that used to happen with my daughter. i may have mentioned it on the blog… somewhere. as a child, she had a bad habit of making one terror of a mess and then, expecting me to clean it up for her. it got to the point where i’d just walk her into the room, sit her down, and tell her, ‘you’re not leaving until it’s straight. so get busy.’
five minutes later, i’d hear her crying. my heart would break and i would go to see what was happening. she would be sitting in the middle of the floor and when i ask what is wrong, those chocolate sherry colored eyes would sweep up to mine and, in them, the totality of a despair that just wrung my soul… and she would cry out between sobs, ‘it’s too much!’
so i would help her break it down into manageable pieces. sections. until she could feel like she really could manage it. until she would look at me and tell me to go away, because she ‘had it under control now’. and so i would. and less than half an hour later, she’d bounce out of the room all smiles and proud and giddy and just insist that i come ‘look right now how great a job!’
she was always right. it was always an absolutely stellar job. and we’d hug and i would tell her how proud i was of her, and what a good thing it was to see her handle things for herself… then we’d go get pizza… or ice cream… or just curl up on the sofa and drowse together as we watched some whatever on television.
i suppose you could say i’m sitting in the middle of a mess feeling like it’s too much. and wishing like hell i had someone to help me break it into manageable pieces. but, since the mess is inside, that’s not really going to happen. so i’m looking for the way to manage it myself. kind of a stop and start thing, you know?
there’s been a heck of a lot of progress lately, but now and then i see the entire room as the mess it still is and get that ‘too much’ feeling all over again. part of me wants to think if there was someone else in proximity, someone to lean on, even just a little, just for the littlest while, it wouldn’t feel quite so heavy all the time.
the rest of me understanding that is illusion, just sighs and lets that of me that needs the delusion have it’s moment wallowing in the floor.
it does pass. eventually. as all things do.
thank you for the kindness, the words, the wish to understand, and the gift of such sharing. it is appreciated, as are you. (hug)
(post script — i usually drag things like this to my blog to serve as reminders and to aid in the learning. this one definitely going there. so thanks for that as well.)