you know, all my life, i’ve put up with people telling me what i need. and i think i’m just about tired of it.
i had someone tonight tell me that ‘the kind of guy i need is…’ and then, into this long list of traits and qualities. as if i didn’t know precisely what i need. as if somehow, getting to decide for myself is just out of the question.
actually, as if they couldn’t hope to be those things and thus, couldn’t hope to….? hell, i don’t know. keep my attention? have my respect? deserve my care?
as if they don’t already have those things? do they really not know it?
stars. how fucking frustrating it is to have such a thing happen again and again and again and again.
maybe i should just go get a fucking lobotomy so i can be what might be acceptable as it is… so people are willing to just let me be and instead of telling themselves all the reasons that i can’t possibly be interested in them, maybe, just for once, to accept that damn it, i am.
oh wait. i’m supposed to say that past tense. i have noticed that as soon as the words are said, as soon as the safety zone is in place, it automatically goes to past tense.
i have watched that unfold so many times. so many. like i’m going to care less for someone.
like i ever care less for anyone.
or maybe it really is just like someone else said to me tonight. maybe it’s just wanting to make sure there’s no emotional debt.
but stars, that term just boggles the shit out of me. EMOTIONAL DEBT?
there’s nothing like having someone you care about tell you what you need. especially when they have entirely missed that you were happy with them.
content. happy. just as it is. just to be.
why do there always have to be labels, boundaries, definitions? stars, i don’t even need to get started on the whole mickey mouse bullshit of ‘i have no boundaries’ that is inevitably followed by barbed wire and mine fields of every conceivable manner.
i’m thinking of many people and have been ever since i sat down to write this. they all blur together after a while… and maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. not like i know.
obviously i know very little. very little indeed.
but i know that having someone i care for tell me as if i were safely behind a boundary ‘what i need’ makes me cry.
i try to understand it… maybe its the way people make sure they’re safe… changing the context immediately and then act like everything that went before never happened.
sure isn’t the first time i’ve felt it, seen it, watched it unfold.
but i have to admit, i never get used to it. it is always a surprise.
i’m starting to hate surprises.