i’m sitting here trying to figure out if i’m the one whose out in the weeds. if it really is unreasonable that i should feel hurt. or if it’s just unreasonable to expect someone else to know it, understand it, and not try to act like nothing’s changed.
maybe for them it hasn’t. so maybe it is me. maybe it’s always me. maybe that’s the problem.
it is damned hard for me when things have gone from close, meaningful discussion to ‘hey, how’s it going?’. my problem, i’m sure. but is it so hard to understand that when you feel close to someone and out of the blue they tell you they want to ‘just be friends’ that you might feel a little hurt? that maybe trying to be casual so hard on the heels of it actually just puts salt in a fresh wound?
don’t get me wrong, this isn’t going to destroy my life. but damn it, i have a right to hurt a little, don’t i? and to have someone be sensitive to it? or is that just too much to expect?
the ego is just a mess. it can’t decide if it wants to go berserk or crow at me with happiness for paying any attention to it whatever. so the result is this odd almost stop-and-start feeling.
i almost get angry. then i remember there’s no point or benefit to it.
i almost get depressed. then i remember it isn’t the end of the world.
so i’m in this kind of inbetween, limboesque place. where none of it really touches me, but my mind is still spinning great, big old circles in the dirt.
i suppose this is where the rubber meets the road. at least, it has been every time this has happened in my life. how serious am i about caring and am i willing to continue even when it hurts?
so far, the answer has been ‘yes’. but damn it, i am tired of hurting. and i am tired of being the one left behind.
of course, that’s not quite honest, is it? i’m not being left behind. well. yet. thing is, now i’m expecting it. again, my problem. all the same, there it is. i sit here and wonder, ‘ok… so how much time will he figure is appropriate until he’s comfortable drifing away into ‘goodbye’, too?’
how much time until keeping in touch doesn’t even occur?
people keep telling me to just write this kind of thing off. but damn it, how can it ever be right to write people off? i mean shit, it happens all the time around me, it happens all the time TO me… i never have liked seeing it happen to others. i have never liked the feeling. i can’t imagine anyone else does.
i try so hard never to do it. i really fucking work at keeping the door open… even when there’s someone else on the other side trying to put metal fucking bars over the damn thing.
maybe i shouldn’t. maybe everyone else is right. maybe i should shred the fucking list, forget them all, and be a little more selfish in life.
maybe it’s time i spent some time doing for me, since it never seems to happen that the effort, giving, and openness brings anything but rejection, carelessness, and being taken for granted.
i’m thinking about that a hell of a lot more than i used to. and you know what? it’s starting to sound pretty damn good here. maybe i should be done showing myself to others and inviting them in. maybe they ought to have to fucking work for it for a change. maybe if they did, they’d find some care and appreciation for how hard it is to be this way, and how much care it takes, how much effort it takes to stay this way when the whole fucking world just keeps telling you it isn’t enough, or right, or appropriate, or whatever.
maybe i really am the one whose wrong about all this.
you know what? i’m thinking maybe it is time for a change. and i dare anyone to try and call me on it. just you try. oh please. do. because you know what? there’s a fucking metric ton of hurt i’m only starting to dig through and i’d just as soon strike a match and blow it up as anything.
so please. make the mistake of telling me what i should do, what’s good for me, or how i shouldn’t change. i could really use a good thermonuclear explosion about now.
you’ve been warned.