looks like i didn’t really need a reminder for tonight. i thought i felt a swell of focus and blew it off. well. it came ashore tonight and flat tore up my sandcastle. i’d be angry but i’m too busy laughing.
this whole process of becoming is eating my brain. or something. but it’s not bad. which will sound odd.
the manner in which every negative reaction just points right back inside is wearing me out, but it is also refreshing me. at least seeing it means it can be seen. that’s progress.
i’ve spent the night riding a freaking rollercoaster. started off with peace and delight, sharing with a new friend unexpectedly present. then to a series of highly emotional interactions with others that just put the ol’ bullseye around something here that made me laugh out loud, in the middle of tears.
you know those CGI effects in the movies when the sighting scope finally locks onto something and the whole freaking board lights up and flashes and there are beeps that indicate urgency, ‘fire… fire… FIRE DAMN YOU!’
that’s the feeling. only ‘firing’ isn’t destroying, it’s seeing. like something invisible is suddenly illuminated and pulsing with corona… inescapable. which is just as well, considering that i’d likely hide from it if i could. sigh.
in the process, i may have saved a life tonight. or lost one. i don’t really know yet. oddly, i am not worried, just thoughtful. that sounds cold, it isn’t. i can’t worry for it. it doesn’t help, and if i worry for it, it’s going to affect how i respond the next time i interact with them… so to the extent that remaining as i am may mean there is a next time, it’s kind of important i don’t taint it with worry. it that makes sense.
one thing i’ll grant all this karmic upheaval… sure don’t have time to feel sorry for myself.
hah!