the weirdness of 2006 continues… i am boggled.
i just received an email full of links. the usual M.O. — anon account, mix-mastered as the trace reveals. whomever it is does not wish to be revealed. ok.
they send to me quotes and links to places where additional commentary may be found.
i admit to a small sense of satisfaction in the reading. whomever sends this has my gratitude for letting me know that the lies are not as effective as those who told them wished. on the other hand, it somewhat boggles me that this continues to happen.
whomever you are, i assume you do read here, else your timing approaches the psychic. but whomever you are, please know, i do not need to receive this kind of thing. i never did.
while i appreciate knowing that i am not the only one to find all of that psychosis to be psychosis… and while i appreciate that more than a few of the folks have (or seem to have) realized how … well… bizarre heath and michael’s actions have been, i am very happy to say the entire mess is reconciled, resolved, and set into ‘the past’ here.
the only thing i yet carry of or toward either of them is the ongoing wish for their good health and remedy to whatever phantoms rest in their heads as to make such things enjoyable, preferrable, or believable. friendship, though i’m certain they are in no position to accept it as real.
there are a number of folks from that place and time i wish i could have gotten to know better, but all things being as they are, it is rather understandable that this was not possible.
on the other hand, it does me much good to see them speak of it as it was and is, though admittedly, with much less kindness than i would wish to anyone.
i will not quote those comments here. nor link to the places given where other such words that bring balm and comfort may be found. but i thank you, whomever you are, for the sending of them. a good deal of my own despair in this has been the pure miscasting of my intent and motivation combined with the somewhat nasty attempts at pre-emptive character assassination. it was an undeserved thing and that it is known is healing to me.
so thank you for that.
but please, if you would, stop sending me these things. perhaps this will not make much sense in light of all that happened and how truly ugly it was… but in all honesty, i do not intend to demonize and write off everything of those two simply because they suffer from … whatever it is that makes them act in such ways.
while it is true that there are a good many who continue to encourage me to do just that, it remains that would be a profound violation of my convictions and beliefs. they are not bad people… just confused and afraid. why and of what, i cannot say i know, but it is a fact that people do odd things when strung up on fear. it would hardly be fair to condemn them for being human, would it?
there are things of both that i choose to remember. and there are things that are shared despite distance, time, or choices that cannot be diminished or clouded.
because these are things i believe in, because i believe in them fully and without reservation, i act in accord with that belief and what positive and memories i hold are tenderly cared for… and despite all, perhaps foolishly, i continue to believe there will come a time when the friendships that should have been but for these odd fears will be found.
perhaps it will seem bizarre and perhaps, in todays world, it is… but it seems somewhat required that one must be what one wishes to see in others, in the world. and sometimes, that means setting aside all that ego and anger and pride.
granted, it has been a struggle. most of which is documented here. but it is not impossible. i didn’t use to know that. i do now. and most of the reason i do know it is directly linked to all this bizarreness. so perhaps in a way, despite the ugliness of it, it is yet beautiful. i figure if i can smile for it, forgive it, see past it, move beyond it… what right does anyone else have to say it should not be so?
here, heath and michael are considered friends. and they will always be considered so. regardless.
perhaps one day they will be other than angry or disbelieving of it. but even if they are not, it changes nothing. what is, is.
but please, mysterious sender of such things — do stop. i do not need them. it was never about justification. only understanding. only truth.