i’ve done three things today that i never thought i would do. i mention it for archival purposes, and give apologies, for i will not be listing them.
today was a quiet day. i had fantasies of the phone ringing and my previous employer calling to say it was a mistake. as if. =/
the application process continues, and the phone has not yet rung. i cannot help but remember the days when the phone rang constantly and there were always messages asking me to come help, come work, come produce.
i miss those days.
someone said something to me today that rang true and made me quite wistful, ‘you’ll never be paid what you’re worth.’
i knew it for truth, even as i knew it didn’t matter. i don’t want to be paid according to some view of worth; be it mine or anyone elses. i just want to be able to do something fulfilling, that keeps me fed, and allows me to feel as if i am contributing in helpful ways to the world.
more and more, i am convinced i will be happiest in some form of service position.
now it is simply to find someone who will agree.
as an aside, i have given serious thought to ‘going back to school’, but in the end, decide not to do so. that path leads only to yet another round of ego, pride, and the inevitable return to the point of realization. it makes no sense to run about the bush.
i am not a person who can consistently kiss the ring. i do not do well with social etiquette and rules that make appearance more valuable than substance. i never have, and i do not seem to have the willingness to change, so i suspect i never will.
it is sometimes a sadness to me that so much of the world cares more for method than message. i suppose that will need some explaining.
in my experience, there are two kinds of people in the world — method people and message people.
method people do not care what is being said and cannot or will not hear what is being said until and unless it conforms to a pre-defined, reified method for ‘how it should be said.’
message people do not care ‘how it should be said’, and cannot or will not conform to method if it impedes the message. to them, message is all, ultimate, and supreme.
without a doubt, i am a message person. method does nothing but chaff me. alas, the world is by long majority peopled with those who are oriented to method.
neither of these last two statements will change in my lifetime.
i count myself fortunate that there is no longer a need to challenge method. that brick wall is not coming down, and my head is already misshapen from the many heedless rushes. in many ways, for many years, i have been that quixote… but the mule of my own stubbornness is lamed and perhaps that is for the best.
i do not need ‘to matter’ like i use to.
the notion of spotlight, recognition, and accolade tends most often to make me queasy.
i have slowly realized that the mattering i once sought has been manifest in every moment of life, in ways i have, until lately, completely overlooked. ways that matter more deeply and will last longer than any amount of money, recognition, or kudos ever could.
method and message. pattern repeating. i’m laughing, of course. we are so blind for so long, and when at last the fuzzy outline appears, ever surprised. what a goofy, silly, foolish human am i.
it makes me cry. laughter and tears. so much time wasted. i wish i had known.
still, better late than never… or so ‘they’ say. comfort where you can find it, i suppose.
impermanence is heavy at times. but almost always because it underscores just how lost and ignorant one is, and the irony of it all being ‘right there the whole time’ just makes it seem like condemnation.
i’ve been working on that self loathing. it’s difficult. where did all this expectation come from? why must i ‘get it right’ and why must ‘getting it wrong’ automatically set me, like a metronome, into frustration, anger, and despair?
swiveling the lens to the light…. why can i not say it is good to be here, see this, begin to realize it now… at 41, rather than 51? or 71? or 91? or never?
obviously i can say that. i am saying it right now. but i need to find the way to mean it. kindness from within that may then radiate without. true kindness, that cares not for reciprocity or return.
the comfort here rests in that conceptualizing leads to knowing which leads to realizing. conceiver, perceiver, believer, receiver, transceiver.
at least i’m not kicking myself for being a shuffling fool anymore. heh. progress.