i’m transplanting.
all but two online accounts are wiped. and i’m considering ditching those two as well. i’ve spent the last week thinking about some things, and realizing a few more.
i’m hovering on the verge of putting an end to a few things. not naming them here. yet.
there’s just too much that cannot be conveyed in these places to ever have the manner of sharing that is needed to sustain… well… anything, really.
and there’s too much false security behind which too many things are justified. entirely too many.
it’s ironic. i suppose i really am going to become that eccentric lady that just does what she does. i reckon i’m but a few years from the whole ‘crazy cat lady’ thing. meh.
i was telling someone today that everyone in my family has died in their 60’s. cancer. so if genetics have their way, i’ve got about 20 years left. that’s really not much time.
i’ve been thinking about what i should be doing with that time. it’s a short list really, and very likely nothing on it would be what you’d expect.
there are nine people with whom i hope to repair friendship. friendship that i’ve always had toward them and, for whatever reason, has always been seemingly impossible.
of that nine, five are in need of locating. i don’t even know where to begin. sigh.
i want to return to working with either the elderly or with animals as i used to.
i want to make peace with my parents. both are dead, but i need to lay their ghosts to rest. i suppose you could say that should be written ‘make peace with myself’.
i want to stop ripping myself to pieces over people. find the way to let the wistfulness go.
i want to have at least one person in my life that i can really say anything to and know it will be understood, or, if not understood, at least not held against me.
i want to stand on the west coast of ireland and watch the ocean.
i want to know, really know that i am loved. just once.
i want to more fully be someone who cares for others more than myself.
not a very long list. but it often seems like the list of impossible things.
i’ve been considering giving up on the spiritual path. not replacing it. just… stopping. as with so many things, it just seems to cause more harm than help. in every direction.
i guess i’m a little lost. maybe a lot.
but it is obvious that such illusions are are found ‘here’ aren’t helpful…. and i’d rather be literally alone than virtually. at least when it’s literal, there’s no room for doubt and the various agonies of wondering.
a person can just about run themselves insane wondering.
if they aren’t already.