sometimes, i really make myself angry with myself for bothering. but damn it, damn it, why?
have you ever known someone who just gives up? always? you break your heart, soul, and back with hope that maybe this time, they’ll actually hang in there, actually keep at it, actually try, actually make it.
you want them to. you want them to see for themselves that they can. you KNOW they can. but you also know they do not know. and you begin to wonder if they do not want to know. and why. why.
why.
why do they give up. the moment it gets hard, the instant it hurts, they just…. about face and haul ass.
damn it. why do i even care? i can’t help it. i care. it isn’t changing. it will never change.
another dream smothered. another bit of ash on the wind. how did it come to pass that it had to pass me on its way into the void?
damn all this synchronicity. damn all this curious coincidence.
damn that i still believe in either. damn that it isn’t changing.
why? would something in the fucking multiverse just, please, tell me why? why do i have to know these things? why must they continue pinging me on the way by? why is every bit of paper flying in the fucking wind, stuck to my shoe, revealed to be yet another bit of information about…. any of it?
why is it that all these beautiful things are being slaughtered? why are they killing their own delight?
is self-loathing really that attractive? is that the new attractor? self-destruction? have they become a lemming, all too eager to find the abyss?
i am so confused. i feel like i’m being asked to do something… what the hell can i do? reviled and rejected, despite reality, despite all best wishes and efforts, what the hell can i do?
you know the worst part? i would do any of it. all of it. on a dime. still. if there were just one word saying it was ok.
i feel like screaming to the sky, ‘what the FUCK do you want from me that you keep sending me this?’
but, like anyone else, the sky remains silent.
is there an answer?
i do not know.
please let them remember their promise. please.