i was trying to explain to a friend today this oddness.
i remember when i was younger, i used to laugh at the girls and women who bitterly complained about hormonal malady and its effect. life was a carefree thing in such areas for me. never ill. never discomforted. never symptomatic.
since about 35, stars, has that changed.
i suppose no one really wants to hear it. but hey… you can surf off any ol’ time you wanna, m’kay?
the simple fact is, two weeks out of every month, i now have this slow slide into something that, i am certain, approximates insanity. or so it feels.
it begins calmly enough. a light melancholy. often experienced as the occasional wistfulness. more than the usual amount of notice given to things that would otherwise pass without thought or comment. attentive to timber, tenor, flavor, and inflection. sensitive to it, i suppose.
by the mid-point between new moon and full, it’s progressed to something closer to moroseness. emotionally mutable, sappy, stupid, and sorrowful, the entire world is veiled in wistfulness. saudade looms dark and heavy. over everything. i cry. i can’t sleep. i’m not hungry. i ache. things that usually make me laugh instead bring me to either anger or sobs.
it’s like a slow shredding. or perhaps a slide into quicksand. i can see it from outside myself when it starts… but once underway, i’m too busy trying to breathe to be so conveniently aloof.
as the full moon approaches, it’s all hills and valleys. tidal, i suppose. surges. moments of true clarity that exceed what would be my ‘norm’, but soon, back into the shadows and all the slippery mess that just coats the walls. i try to push everyone away so i don’t hurt them.
i usually just wind up pushing them away for good. don’t know my own strength. well. i know it, but in the middle of it, i forget. =/
the last few days are just… misery. mostly me, hiding in the corner and letting autopilot take over. those who notice say it’s like watching the lights go out. something about passivity and aloofness of soul. what deep cuts i’ve ever given to others happen here. hence the resolute withdrawal. when i can manage it. the unfortunates who press during this time are still bleeding for it… of course, at some distance (consider me waving somewhat sadly to you all, here, in this moment, you know who you are and for what it’s worth, though you never seem to hear me, i am sorry).
just when i think i really am losing my mind, when i can feel the seams pulling… when i’m certain that this time, i’m really just going to crash – full moon and relief. tension in the last day before, immediate (and i do mean immediate!) relief when the hormonal trigger finally fucking fires.
kind of like watching a gauge redline… twitch and hover in the danger zone until it seems the damn thing must explode… but at the last possible moment (seemingly), someone’s found the emergency bypass and suddenly everything is ok.
i’m documenting this for myself. and i suppose for anyone in proximity. warning signs. (wry grin)
i have to admit, here, on the edge, as i’m beginning the descent for this month…
i’m really beginning to look forward to menopause.
sigh.