archival.
hi there. awake at 3am for ‘no apparent reason’, decided to check here and remembered that i had forgotten to write ‘more later’. heh.
first, what a wonderful time that sounds. Tahoe in about oh… 93 for me. business conference. back in the days when i was a young, highly ambitious, over paid hot shot of a technology slinger.
i thought i wanted to retire there, but have since decided on Seattle/Portland/Vancouver… if i can ever make it back to that part of the country (Currently in ————) and of course, if i ever rebuild my retirement fund. (lost it all in the dot com bust).
i’ll be lucky not to wind up the bag lady, actually. but i tend not to think about it.
anyway… awake at 3am ‘for no apparent reason’ is a code phrase that used to mean something but likely doesn’t anymore. i’ll explain it, even as it’ll just make you look at the screen oddly. heh. later, i’ll blame it on behing half-awake, and you’ll do the equivilant of the polite nod and smile because you’re a nice guy that way and because i’ll be too embarrassed to admit i told you.
so.
once upon a time, i used to have/make very strong connections with people. odd connections. connections that would have me looking at the phone just as it rang. or thinking of someone only to have an email arrive from them. or waking up at 3am ‘for no apparent reason’ and stumble to the computer only to find they were looking for me, needing to talk.
i haven’t had that in a while now. and on the rare occasion i do, i always check online. just in case. but i reckon any of the folks it might be aren’t reaching anymore. which makes me sad. long stories there, but most dealing with people being more afraid of being close than hiding themselves away.
believe it or not, people are most often afraid of me. i’m not sure i understand it, but it happens enough that i know it when i see it.
it is happening again with someone and perhaps that’s what has me awake. not like i’ll get to know, apparently.
instead, i write an odd and somewhat disjointed ramble to someone nice enough to send along smiles and think about the choice of coffee or ceiling contemplation.
can’t say i’ve decided yet, so if you don’t mind, i’ll just keep on typing. (wry grin)
i unearthed an old piece of crap earlier tonight and decided to toss it out here for giggles. part of a 20 piece series, an ancient and rather overblown bit of dramatic ‘cipherpunk’ (i couldn’t make myself do the false slang and the teen desperado geek thing was just never my style).
i wonder who will get her name. and who will groan when they do. heh. i can’t find the other 19 pieces. that one was stuck to the inside of a box. surprised me. i thought i had lost all of that work.
whew. starting to wake up now. 130wpm is nothing to laugh at when you’re working from muscle memory. i’d apologize, but the novelty of my lower brain typing seems both interesting and humorous at 3:32am. so, shameless and smiling, not only do i leave it here…. i continue! hah! take THAT, propriety!
consciously, i tell you, the moon has me. i find i’m not enjoying the whole ‘over 40 hormonal armageddon’ thing. =/ the notion that ‘for no apparent reason’ is now nothing more than a hot flash or night sweats shifting me from sleep is…. pensive. and likely funny. but of course, it doesn’t seem so in this moment.
subject change… hang on, no whiplash allowed….
i cannot remember what i was going to write ‘more later’ about in this moment. hah.
i suppose that means i should go back to sleep.
ever have one of those days? these days? hrm. maybe i’m more carrie than i realize.
for what it’s worth, i think of that rock by the lake and have the sense of envy combined with the sense of happiness that you had that moment that brings the crooked smile.
i don’t get out of the house nearly enough, and when i do, i don’t spend enough time connecting to the world or its people.
but you know what? it feels like change is coming. that’s a hopeful thing, which, for a change, is enjoyable.
hope you’re well.
back to bed with me.