having just put the phrase ‘mea culpa’ into an email to another, the stream obligingly sends Enigma’s song of the same title over to me.
i’m skating the edge of anger lake. it’s a giddy and somewhat frightening thing, since the water is deep and as likely to forget its place and flood the damn place as anything.
once upon a time, anger was fuel. briquettes of rage. i used to feel very proud that i never ran out. then, of course, i did. and i had to figure out how to live a life that wasn’t being defined by history and horrors. took some doing, that, but the alternative of collapsing into myself and becoming that pitiful, shivering victim that history tried to make me was simply not an option.
i don’t get angry like i used to. it’s a relief, really. but it would be a lie to say there isn’t plenty of new to replace the old. so i dip into my analogies and metaphors and deny it more than reference so as to put a bit of distance on it until i can figure out what to do with it.
i’ll not be making any more briquettes, thankyouverymuch. but i don’t see any benefit in loosing it on the world, either. which leaves me in something of a quandary. i am very good at spinning light from shadow for others… but not so proficient at transmuting my own. i suppose i should consider it a gift and use it for practice. ah, the sensibility of age. i’m chuckling.
the temptation to just cast it into the void and let it dissipate is a new option. actually, i’m wondering if it is possible to send it out as energy to another. (yeah, i know, if you’re not someone who knows what the crap i’m talking about, that just sounds insane. it’s ok. feel free to skip this one if you want.)
i thought perhaps i was spiraling into a full blown emotional storm earlier today… but it seems to have righted itself. that is an interesting thing… practice is helping keep balance somewhat automatically (automagically? heh.) and the relief of not having to struggle quite so hard is enjoyable.
synchronicities are not as shocking lately, this latest was more humor than anything… hence the ‘ffs’ of it. the moment in which it seemed they were back to back to back has passed for now.
disjointed thoughts, i suppose… considering the end of the month and the realization that i have no idea how to send thoughts and care to one i would like to have receive them. thoughts as well of the recent implosion of my addressbook and pondering ‘what it means’ (if anything).
one by one, the strands of virtual connection are fraying, snapping, and coming undone. i consider unplugging again… but only distantly.
not much else in mind at the moment. a brief thought toward playing with one of the other domains tonight. someone has gotten me into a bit of joomla jonsing. heh.