i have this feeling like i’m nearing a flashpoint.
i do not think it has a thing to do with summer, but it seemed an interesting way to think about it, hence the title of this entry.
an analogy i used long ago in some piece of whatnot was that i often thought humans are little more than kernels in hot oil, simmering until either ‘ready’ or we just can’t take it anymore, then exploding up and out with a cry to give everything that we are in a moment, trying like hell to become.
become what? no freaking clue. obviously i’ve not popped yet.
but i feel like i’m close. and i’m not altogether sure it’s a good thing.
that may just be fear. then again, it may be wisdom. after all, i know what’s crawling around in my head.
i read an article in the paper today that really touched me. a 58 yr old woman is selling her life’s belongings off on ebay. she is taking the proceeds and her retirement fund and buying an rv in which she will spend the rest of her life. she’s hitting the road with a younger man she met while skydiving. apparently, they hit it off while he was strapped to her back at 35,000 feet. heh.
in the article, she spoke of being fearless. i recognize that. but it seems i’ve been channeling my fearlessness in very unhelpful directions… giving it all to people and not to myself, to living. so, naturally, i’m constantly disappointed, or let down, or otherwise surprised (not always badly, mind you).
someone told me the other day that they thought i had decided at a young age to prove to the world that it wasn’t impossible to be kind and caring. even when people gave you nothing but hurt, abuse, or the worst of their fears.
it is not the first time someone has said this to me.
others have said they thought this was some promise i’d made myself long ago and that i’ve been suffering for it ever since.
still others have said i’m never as good to myself as i am to others. they said it as if it were a flaw.
i begin to think they were right. actually, i begin to become rather certain of it.
i often catch myself saying that old habits die hard. but i think that is my way of not working harder to insure they do.
it’s kind of contradictory, or, perhaps more a matter of extremes. i suppose it is safe to say i’ve always been rather fond of ‘above and beyond’ and maybe to the world, that most often looks like extremes. obviously it doesn’t seem so here. but that’s more for knowing that on the spectrum of ‘what is possible’ within me, it is an easy middling.
i often hear, see, and feel that is frightening to others. it has never really frightened me so perhaps it would be better served to serve me.
i’ve been spending some time thinking on that lately. quietly and ‘behind the scenes’. it’s shifting things around in my head… which i think is good, but i’m not sure just yet. getting there, though.
that article set my mind off on old paths that i had forgotten were once familiar.
for all it feels strange, i am convinced it is A Good Thing.