every now and then i have one of those really awkward conversations with someone who wants to see me happier. you know the kind… they mean well and you know it, but it feels kind of like being under the spotlight and not having the answers and feeling somewhat dumb because you feel like you should.
the silly part is, i’m not UNhappy. i’m just missing a few things more than i should. only i can’t even be sure that ‘more than i should’ is accurate. i mean, how do you determine how much you should miss something? i haven’t found the standard of measurement for that. have you?
but i do notice how that missing makes everything else less enjoyable. and no, i’m not quite figuring out how it shift it. it just is. frankly, always has been. which, of course, points to a few things… but i suppose if you’ve been reading here, you already know them and stars knows, i’m tired of reiterating them… so let’s just say i did and keep going.
it kind of reminds me of a friend i had a long time ago. this situation, that is. they were moving to another country and we both knew damn well that the life they were heading to was going to keep them occupied to the point of totality… it was one of the first departures (not including the various family traumas).
we did that whole ‘we won’t let it happen’ thing. it still did. i lost track of them about six months into it and when the phone was disconnected and the email bounced, that was that. i’ve continue to this day to look, but i reckon i should stop.
if i had to put a single word on what i’m missing… i’m not sure what word i would choose. i suppose ‘constancy’. the only people i’ve actually known all my life are the people who raised me in the children’s home… and even with them, if i’m not the one making the effort, there is only silence.
there’s just not enough of me to be constant for everyone. and i don’t reckon that’s something i should have to do, is it? it gets kind of muddled from there, though… because i know full well if i don’t…
bleh. do i even need to say how it feels?
yeah. i suppose ‘constancy’ works.
it gets to the point at times where i just get so angry for it that i feel like i’m going to explode. i mean, damn it, i’m not some horrible monster. i don’t lie to people. i don’t steal from them. i don’t take advantage of them. i wind up looking at the horizon and just doing that mental scream that jets off into forever and never an echo… W….T…..F?!?!?!?!?
trouble is, i expect it now. which makes it harder than it should be on everyone. including me. but hell, do you have any idea how hard it is not to expect something that happens all the time? it’s like telling yourself that tomorrow… why the sun just ain’t going to rise. and really meaning it. can you do that? honestly?
me either.
and that’s kind of where it’s at. which is sad. i do not want to be someone who always expects people to just ditch. i don’t want to be forever waiting for ‘that moment’ — the one when i know it’s happening, the one where i recognize it and then have to watch it unfold.
this was the rambling path of that awkward conversation. it was hard, because they were trying to be so helpful, offering all these ideas until i just wanted to scream at them, ‘don’t you think i have tried ALL of that?’
sigh.
then there was the moment when they realized that yes, in fact, i HAVE tried all of that. that’s the really awkward moment. because i know they want to help and there just doesn’t seem to BE any help to be had for it. and in that moment, they’re sitting there all quiet and a little embarrassed and then… the one thing i hate most of all.
“god. i didn’t know. i’m sorry.”
thing is, they’re allowed to give up. but if i do, it’s some kind of crime. well, that’s how everyone seems to frame it.
“oh, don’t give up…”
of course i tell myself i’m not really giving up. i’m just not going to put as much effort into it anymore.
but i suppose it’s all the same, really.
i mean what else do you do but put a candle in the window and try to forget about it?
someone else told me the other day that they think people take off because i give so much they can’t help but feel like they have to do the same and they just… can’t.
i don’t remember ever asking anyone such a thing. or expecting that out of anyone. hell, i’d just be happy if they stayed. what do i care beyond that? i don’t. kind of like Mazslow… you don’t think about what’s at the top of the damn pyramid when you can’t even get a good foundation set, you know?
then of course, i get to thinking ‘what the hell is wrong with me that this is always how it happens?’
i still can’t get past the idea that it must be me. which hurts more than i will say. because let’s face it… the chances of much of anything if that’s the truth of it are… well… kind of non-existent.
i have ten friends. of that number, two who will call once in a blue moon just to make sure i’m still breathing. most are what i call ‘quiet friends’. i know they care… and i really do know it… but it’s more a ‘call me if you’re dying’ kind of thing. which kind of feels heavy, too.
i’m slowly pulling myself out of the briars of it. mostly by writing this kind of thing and just reminding myself of what is, what isn’t, and the reality that whether or not i like it or want to accept it, it still is as it is. time to deal.
i figure once i get to the point where that doesn’t feel like a stab in the heart, i’ll think about what ‘dealing’ actually consists of… who knows, maybe i’ll turn into some amazing output engine of …. something… that doesn’t need people in proximity or feeling a sense of belonging to function.
that would be nice. maybe.
rings kind of hollow right now, of course. but mostly because i’m not sure that’s possible… but also because i’m not sure what it would mean in the way of a change in how i view people and the ‘world at large’.
but maybe finding the path to not caring quite so much about it all would be a good thing.
like i said, i’m not sure.
but i’m thinking about it.