starting to get into the groove of this whole middle way thing. caladesi helped, more in its aftermath than in the moment. an oddity of timing, but not bothersome.
over the last months, i’ve been paying a little too much attention to the waves and not enough to the overall calm of the ocean. typical, really. funny, but only in hindsight. heh.
two ‘virtual friends’ (my new term for acquaintances who say they wish to be friends, but who, for whatever reason, do not behave like friends) i am, today, releasing from myself as ‘people i should keep up with’ after making one, last attempt to remain in contact some weeks ago and hearing nothing in return.
this may sound weird, but it actually feels good to give up on them. don’t get me wrong, i wish them the very best in all things and the memory of knowing them will always be something i’ll smile for, but frankly, i’m giving up before i’m angry for the silence, while i can still think about them and feel like it’s just life being life and not rejection or something that means judgment.
i’m actually taking a much closer look at the list of acquaintances and yes, even the short list of friends… all with a new and more direct eye. for the first time in my life, i’m actually looking at the list and instead of thinking ‘what benefit am i giving to them?’ i’m asking, ‘how is knowing this person benefiting me?’
and for once, i’m being bluntly, brutally honest with myself about the benefit, too.
it is kind of silly that it has taken me this long to get to a place where i could say, ‘hey… now just wait a star-cross minute! i’m just as deserving a person as you, or you, or you…. and damn it, if what is here isn’t helpful to me as well as you, something needs to change.’
and then, to further say, ‘if you cannot or will not, then i must. because i’m no longer willing to be without what i need in life.’
mind you, not ‘what i want’ and not ‘what i expect of you’ and not ‘here are the hoops you must leap through’ and all that stupid shit.
this is about basic decency and respect, care, and its demonstration. simply put, when you care for someone, you do more than say you do, you show you do. actions as well as words.
if you’re someone i know, and someone i have said i care for or about, you know precisely what i’m talking about… and if you don’t, then chances are that you’re one of the folks i’m talking about in this piece.
succinctly, i’m no longer going to wait on you. sorry if that sounds anything other than simple truth. i don’t owe you a thing, nor do you owe me… but if we’re really friends, i didn’t need to say that and you’ll be laughing and clapping your hands for me right now rather than sitting there trying to figure out:
(a) is she talking about me?
(b) why is she being so [insert opinion here]?
(c) is she waiting on something from me?
that’s kind of what this is all about… because no one deserves to go through life feeling like the people they care for do not care for them. and no one deserves to be in a situation where having that sense of being cared for is contingent or other than consistently made obvious.
i’m updating my phone book. i’m paring down my email addresses. i’m not going to make keeping in touch a reactive process for any of you anymore. so if you suddenly realize you’re not hearing from me, i reckon it’s up to you to decide what, if anything, to do about it.
i suppose i should explain what really flipped the switch for me… i have a number of folks who i don’t hear from regularly, or who i don’t interact with unless i make the first effort at contacting them, or who i only hear from when things are bad, or who i only hear from when they want/need something, or who i only hear from when they’re bored. just like you all do, i’m sure.
but of these folks, there are those who, regardless how often or under what circumstances i hear from them, are in touch because they genuinely care for me… and others who, in various ways, make it obvious that care for me is the very last thing motivating them to be in touch.
i just am not willing to keep up with the folks in that latter group any longer.
good, bad, or indifferent, i reckon this is my ‘put up or shut up’ speech. not to be rude, but because, honestly, i’m just not willing to wait for any of you to decide i’m worth investing effort toward… i AM worth it and if you haven’t decided that by now, i reckon you’re not going to… and if you don’t think of me this way, there’s no sense in hoping you’re going to change your mind.