merlot. once it was my favorite. now it’s just a broken promise that i’m sipping because i’m tired of pretending that what i’m swallowing matters so long as it isn’t hemlock.
feeling a little bit red tonight. like the friction burn left by the seatbelt you have to wear to avoid a ticket. they never tell you how many people die every year because they’re trapped by the damn things. or decapitated by them.
no, i suppose this isn’t going to be a ‘happy’ thing. or an ‘insightful’ thing. i’m too annoyed to be happy and all the insights are swimming in red grape juice at the moment.
reckon this will be more like the regurgitation i should be managing right now, only i’m too proud to puke. did it one time in kindergarten. valentine’s day. i’ll never forget it… floating heart candies in a spew of half-digested chocolate. the contrast of bile and sugar kept me heaving long after i fell over, away from the altar of the porcelan god. haven’t had the technicolor yawn since then.
just. refuse. something about ‘be mine’ floating in what looked and smelled like a sea of shit. no. more. ugh. so it’s all iron will pushing swelling tongue down and tightening one of the five sphincters in the human body. heh. i remember the day that interesting tidbit came up in science class. we are, i think, an anal retentive society. so many sphincters, so little time.
did i mention this was a ramble? careful with the topic changes, the whiplash can be brutal.
my choices are seattle, atlanta, or possibly wilmington. seattle is what i’d like, which means it won’t happen. wilmington is just a flicker of possibility to torment me. atlanta is most likely, but it means zen and kamma must be given away.
i don’t think you really know what loss is until you have to give away pets for no reason other than it means the difference between sleeping on someone’s floor or sleeping outside.
anyway… what was i saying? oh. yes. merlot. i used to adore it. but tonight it tastes weird. bitter. i suspect that’s just me.
do you know the difference between a friend and a acquaintance? i used to think it was that an acquaintance knows you but doesn’t care, while a friend knows you and cares anyway.
it’s kind of harsh to discover the people you thought were friends are acquaintances. makes you wonder if you did something that turned them into acquaintances…. or if they were were acquaintances all along and you were just too busy being a friend to notice.
actually, it makes you wonder how that’s even possible.
did i mention i liked merlot? i lied.
i had a dream the other night. i was in the truck, heading to seattle. broken down along a highway in the middle of nowhere. no traffic. no houses in the distance. nothing. just me and all of what is ‘my life’ packed into a ford explorer. i was going to call someone, but there was no one to call. they’d either let it go to voicemail or answer and tell me how sorry they were, but there just was nothing they could do.
so instead of calling anyone, i just sat on the side of the road and cried.