well. today was the last day at the office. friday i pick up my last two days of pay and from there, it’s simply a matter of calculating how far X amount of dollars will get me.
trying for seattle, but i suppose it will take a small miracle to see that happen. atlanta is possible, but only if i give up my cats. should i bother telling you that i have yet to manage actually owning pets until their natural deaths? always someone giving them away while i’m at work or having to give them up because of some odd circumstance or another. makes me sad.
i found a really interesting job listing with a strong company in seattle. applied for it, but am not sure they will actually consider me. feels pensive, that… knowing you can do something, but not quite being able to instill the sense of confidence necessary for someone else to see it, too. i suppose we’ll see how it goes (or if it does).
i’m tempted to just go anyway… and serve coffee or sling food until i can find something. the only thing holding me back is not having a place to land. on the other hand, it isn’t like i’ve never known homelessness. i reckon you know you’re on the edge when you’re actually willing to consider being homeless for a while just to have a chance at really finding your way back to life.
but something is different this time. hard to explain. i’ve spent the last seven years hoping to return to an industry that has become so chaotic and unstable that i could not hope to really be happy within it anymore… and it’s finally sinking in that this is ‘clean slate time’.
i have absolutely nothing to hold me to any one place. no family. no network of friends. no debt to speak of…. free as sunshine.
i’m not afraid. that has always been the issue, actually, my utter lack of fear in the face of yet another gaping maw of question marks and uncertainties. all of it swirls around me, but none of it can touch me unless i let it. i know better than many that being homeless isn’t forever. and i know all it would take is one good connection to turn it all around.
problem is, i’ve been waiting on it rather than going out to find it. i could blame that on a lot of things, but mostly it was just having the stuffing kicked out of me in the bust and the string of disappointments in the years thereafter.
down, but far from out. i think i had forgotten to remember that down doesn’t mean out. i am remembering now.
it’s t-minus ten days to departure. i don’t even know where i’m going. but i know wherever i’m going, i’m going to leave waiting and hoping behind.