the cats have a home. thank the stars. a sangha sister has taken them. i cannot begin to tell what an enormous relief/weight it has lifted.
she and a friend return tomorrow night to choose what items they wish to take from the things behind left here. i’ll be very happy if they take all of it. i suspect perhaps her friend will, as he is a broke college student. so i’m smiling for that.
tomorrow, i will be packing into five boxes. this, the ‘magic number’ of what will fit in the truck. it is yet to be determined if i will be able to fit the chair that has been so kind to this arthritic bod for so many years. but if not, then not.
after several days of back and forth, some tears, and a spate of anger… i am at last where i need to be. it’s hard to describe, but i’ll try. in many ways, it is a return to the days when i had nothing and had no hope of anything. which i suppose sounds hard, but in truth, it’s somewhat liberating. loss of all expectation. anything that actually ‘works’ is a happy surprise, thus, because many small things do ‘work’, days become filled with contentment.
takes a bit to get there, because i reckon you never want to accept that you’re ‘losing’ at anything… but since we lose everything in the end, perhaps a good shake helps get the perspective where it ought to be, hmm? it’s weird, but i find myself a tad bemused for the necessity of remembering that. you know, i used to live like that and while i never had a lot (material or otherwise), i really was a happier person for it.
times like this the thought of doing the national forest thing really push at me. heh. you’d laugh, so i won’t bother going into it… but those who have known me for a time know what i’m talking about and, if reading this, laughing with me.
shifting topic slightly… i’m still undecided about the artwork. i certainly don’t “need” it, and it is going to take up more space than i should allot to it. but it is colorful and i enjoy it. i suppose i’m weighing the enjoyment against the space requirements and the notion that i can certainly enjoy other things… i think i’ll compromise and take the oil painting Saye did for me, and let the rest go.
hah. that was easy. the sangha sister who came by tonight wanted to ‘hear everything’ and so, i obligingly told her…but i don’t think she understood why i wasn’t willing to sit here and wait for everything to fall apart. and i don’t think she understood why leaving “all this” behind wasn’t such a big deal, once i knew it needed to be done.
the ‘stuff’ has never been the important thing. there’s ‘stuff’ all over the damn place. too much of it, really. and in any moment, you can bet your bippy there’s ‘stuff’ to be had to grunge up any place you might be resting your head.
in fact, the only thing ‘stuff’ brings is the fear of losing the ‘stuff’ and the need to lug it all around. this, a lesson from the dot com bust that has stayed with me much longer and better than i thought it would. perhaps because ‘having stuff’ was, at best, a moment on the so-called pinnacle. i’m really not used to having much of anything and i suspect there is part of me that would rather be without than lose things over and over again.
of course, lately, i’ve been doing both. but perhaps this will finally pass.
anyway. five boxes. but i am reminded that all along, i’ve looked at everything and asked myself before permitting myself to get something or consider bringing something home… “can you honestly say that within six months, you will have used, enjoyed, looked at, thought about, or otherwise benefitted from it?”
the answer must be ‘yes’ or it just stays where i found it. that makes things pretty simple, really. the furniture can be replaced. same for dishes, pots, pans, glasses, and even the bed.
that leaves clothing, pillows, toiletries, and the small number of either heirlooms or special pieces that have come to me over time. most of them not of my buying, which is what puts them on ‘the list’ to be saved as opposed to tossed. some that are sentimental like my daughter’s baby pictures and her entire collection of growing up keepsakes. the genealogy photos… though many of those are so old that unless i scan them soon, they will be lost.
the ivory statues handed down to me by my grandmother. a small crystal lotus whose tale i will not tell. a certain windstone dragon that has traveled with me through ‘it all’ and now feels more like a kindred spirit… for all i know it’s just plaster and paint. hard to explain.
the french press. the kettle. the computer. some books.
of course, even much of that list could be replaced. i suppose i’m not quite as free of needing ‘stuff’ of some manner to feel i actually belong on the planet. lots of times it’s hard for me to tell. but i suppose as long as i can point to things that prove i have the same interests and wishes… maybe i’ll fit in some day.
sitting here thinking about what happens if even these things eventually must be done away with… i suppose i would ship them to my daughter if i could afford it. and if not… well… i suppose i would take the statues, the lotus, and the dragon out into the national forest and bury them under a tree that called to me.
i think the land will do me good. i’m ready to go. i told my sangha sister tonight that i should never have come to this place. but i realize that i needed to… just a few more pieces of the puzzle to set in place and perhaps the right mix of events to slingshot me where my mind has been hovering for well over ten years.
it’s interesting. i would have gone to seattle about a year ago had the friend i thought i had …. meh. nevermind. i’m glad i didn’t. i’m glad it went precisely as it did. this way, no one and nothing shapes it but me. succeed or fail, it’s my ship and i reckon that’s about as good a thing as anyone can ever say.