there’s a word that goes with each of the three in that title. i’ll let it be an exercise for you to figure it out.
the news from the west is no different than any other lately. thus, i remain in georgia and rebuild. perhaps another year will see me with leverage enough to make it to seattle on my own steam.
to be sure this is the end of looking to anyone else for much of anything.
i have little choice but to look to my parents in this moment, and i am thankful they are here, but this is the last time i will do so. and i suspect there are a few who are in for a rather rude surprise when next they contact me as if the desparate moments never happened and, in the face of hearing me burble and flail, they turned away.
do i sound angry? i suppose i do. having spent most of my life helping others at what is usually my expense and discovering once again that it seems i’m about the only one who actually does so…. yes, i’m angry for it. but likely not the way you think.
i’m angry for how stupid i’ve been. how stupid it was of me to ever do so or be so. how stupid of me not to pay attention and learn that it can and will only ever mean the same thing over and over again… i have been too stubborn to date. i have not wanted to learn.
but i sit here, now, realizing that it’s all square one and silence, and i’m too tired and too hurt to keep trying to believe that ‘people aren’t like that’ or ‘the world isn’t always like that’ or ‘it can be different.’
people are like that. the world is always like that. it will not be different.
i am done doing and being for others. i am done thinking about you, or you, or you, or you before me. i am done considering your enjoyment before my own. i am done worrying about you or aching for you or losing sleep about you or being afraid for you.
most of you have no idea what this means. it doesn’t matter. hah. see? just that easy.
those of you who do know — you’re better off to forget you ever knew me because the me you knew is taking something of a vacation. perhaps you could call it a recuperative nap…. and you’re not going to like what’s waking in her place because i’ve only got two words for those of you who, knowing what was happening here, didn’t answer your phones and didn’t return those pleas for help, and who couldn’t be bothered to disrupt your routines…. only two words:
fuck. you.