bleh. the earliest they can get me connected for internet is next tuesday (barring someone cancelling). i know i’m spoiled rotten when it comes to getting my geek on, but dayamn… dialup and aol are a hideous combination for anything.
in other news — seattle is definitely looking dead as a hammer. i can’t say i blame them. after all, would you consider hiring someone who told you they were on the way then had to call you and say, oh, no, got hung up in georgia?
bleh.
anyway. in somewhat better news, i’m settling in. it feels odd to be ‘back here’. this is the place i landed when i returned from new jersey in november 2005 and in all honesty, i never expected to ever have to (essentially) put up on these folks ever again…. but i suppose that ought to teach me never to say never. life just has a way of insuring you eat those words every time you’re foolish enough to utter them, doesn’t it?
makes me angry though… seattle was close enough to touch. had anything at all held together long enough for me to actually get there, i could have handled the rest myself.
it sucks when the fickleness of “friends” ….. well, no… actually, i reckon i have to blame myself for this, don’t i? it sucks when i rely on people instead of myself.
actually, it just sucks to have such lousy judgment when it comes to choosing who to rely upon. but at least i can call it a lesson learned. reckon as long as there’s a lesson and it’s learned, it still qualifies as a beneficial experience.
anyway.
i’m back to shuttling out resumes and monitoring the dwindling funds i have in hopes of landing something before the small cushion dries up completely.
ironically, the only reason i have this small cushion is that i didn’t have to spend it on gas driving to seattle. or elsewhere.
so. thank you “friends” for saving me enough to live on. truly, though i will admit i say/write it with a crooked smile.
in still other news, i’m in the process of losing yet another friend. this one, having decided tis better to bleed than be staunched, returns to a situation that they know is dysfunctional and has very little hope indeed of ever being otherwise. of course, they deny that knowledge… i think it must be part of the pathology.
and, as usual, because they choose so, it will slowly become impossible to maintain contact with them for reasons that would be easily apparent were i to divulge specifics. suffice to say 99.9% of my friends are male… so i am forever losing them when they either become involved, get married, or straighten their marriages out.
frankly, most of those straightened out marriages are a direct result of my friendship with them. not that their wives ever seem to appreciate me for it.
and people wonder why i am so often ashamed of my gender.
bleh. anyway. losing yet another one and likely as well… though in truth i knew it would go this way and much of my interaction with them was insuring it did so… even as i also know it is only going to be heartache and horror.
this may sound odd, but sometimes, when you know someone just cannot hear you, it’s better to do what you can to see them where they think they want to be…. and let them sit with it and find out for themselves. especially since that’s the only way any ever really learns a damn thing.
but i admit, it’s frakking hard sometimes.
and i never get used to the way it goes from ‘i’d never let something as silly as insecurity ruin our friendship’ to ‘i can’t talk to you anymore. nothing personal.’
sigh.
i really am an alien. and i’m just about ready for the mothership to get its ass back here. i’m just plumb sick of all this not fitting in crap.
rambling. guess i’ll cut it here. more as events warrant.
a small afterthought — being here is to remember things from early 2006 and i am pensive for it. i suspect there will be more on this later. damn it.