yesterday was a very heavy day for a number of reasons. mostly because it was the last day of july and two events – an anniversary and a birthday arrive in august and frankly, both are depressing.
someone made the mistake of reaching out to me in the midst of it, unknowing, and i fair took their head off. sigh.
times like this i think i really should just go live in a cave somewhere. a cave with internet. and a small vegetable garden. just enough to take to town now and then to afford the things needed to get by.
i am becoming a hermitess. tired of being let down and left, i think i’d rather just find a quiet spot in the woods and put my roots into the soil and grown bark. if only such a thing were possible.
someone said to me yesterday that maybe ‘growing up’ was realizing how little power you have to change the world. i wish i could say such an insight was willing to wait for your adulthood to show up.
but then, i never wanted to change the world. not really. i just wanted to find some place and someone i could belong with, around, to, whatever.
another friend tells me that they believe we’re made sexless and then torn in half in the process of growing into our humanity…. and when born, we spend the rest of our lives looking for our ‘other half’.
i feel that. it feels true. but it also feels like my ‘other half’ either doesn’t exist or died. kind of bereft and alone… like no matter what, it’s never quite enough to make up for all the things that don’t fit of me.
bleh. whatever. i ponder the notion of bringing the old domains back online and trying to get the company out of the ground and back into the air. different services, same concept — doing things well or not at all. it’s only a thought, though… i can see all too clearly that there are fewer and fewer people willing to take the time and spend the effort (or cash) to do it well/right/thoroughly.
hah. there’s a ramble in that… the loggerhead that business and technology are caught within… and the coming depression of the industry as a whole (far beyond what we saw in the dot com bust) as the thirty year old rooster of a lie, ‘you don’t have to understand technology in order to use it’ finally comes home to roost.
i suspect my recent decision to just be someone’s secretary is good timing.
ah well. my computer time is up for today. the isp called late yesterday to tell me they had a cancellation on saturday and moved me into the slot.
saturday cannot possibly get here fast enough.