i’m working on letting whatever is, be. sometimes that means snarling. this is one of those times.
it pisses me off how people ditch me when they no longer need me.
it purely torques me how they are inevitably the people who go on the longest and loudest about how they’ll just never do that, how much they cherish and appreciate you, how much you mean to them.
i fucking work at staying in touch with my friends. i make a point of contacting them, letting them know i’m thinking of them, letting them know they matter to me, letting them know i’m here for them, letting them know i care.
when they contact me, i respond. even if only to say i’m tied up to a rogue octopus and can’t say much, but i’m glad to hear from them and will definitely touch base when i get off the damn thing…
BECAUSE I FUCKING CARE AND THAT IS WHAT CARING ABOUT SOMEONE MEANS.
it pisses me off how people ditch me and do not have even the baseline human DECENCY or the fucking balls to say they’re doing so.
i mean, seriously, if you just wrote me and said, ‘hey, look, i got what i needed out of you and so i’m like, out and stuff.’…. i’m not saying it wouldn’t hurt, or that it wouldn’t make me angry, but at least then i could know it’s done and not feel like maybe i’m cutting someone off without reason.
for that matter, i am sitting here now and pondering how long most of you would go without any reply by phone, email, or letter before you’d chalk it up and hang it up.
i suspect i wait longer than anyone i know.
i also suspect that’s the problem.
i keep saying i’m not going to do it anymore. but so far all i’ve done is make a liar out of myself.
i often wonder why i keep doing it. i really do not know the answer.
but i do know one thing — i’m getting mighty tired of this happening. and i’m getting pretty damn angry at how my faith in others is so consistently betrayed.
if i ever manage to do more than talk about not doing it any more, i would be happier i’m sure. i’m trying to figure out how, but i haven’t been able to manage it just yet.
there are precisely three people in my life who i would not – to… this… day – still smile to hear from.
and the three i’d tell to go fuck themselves are hardly likely to be stupid enough to speak to me.
but i’m so angry right now i just want to put them all on the list. starting with this latest one.
what hurts the worst is knowing the things that meant the most to me meant nothing at all to you. just a convenient blather to get the support you needed until you didn’t need it anymore.
what’s the old comedy noire quote? oh yeah…
“I’ll never forget what’s-her-name…”
i suppose i needed another reminder about losing all expectations. all means all. yeah. got it.
for the next little while, i’m going to be working very seriously on not expecting a thing from anyone. ever. it really isn’t that much more to lose to get there. but it feels heavy. not sure i can explain why. but maybe you know. not really a thing that will fit into words. (shrug)
funny how the anger passes. now i just feel…. sore. stupid. and of course, ditched.