one of the annoyances of going to bed early is the inevitable early waking.
the anger and angst of yesterday is gone, but weird week is insuring there’s plenty of emo left to ‘enjoy’. bleh. i am not sure how to describe this, but most of this flipping and twisting is happening well outside the ‘core’ of me. it’s kind of like sitting on the ocean floor watching something happening on the surface.
it touches me, but not really. hard to explain. there is a part of me that has been walled off for so long that nothing touches it anymore. i usually forget this is the case until i get to a place/space/time like this in my life…. where things are all being burned away and every miniscule expectation is being steamrolled, turned to powder, and undone.
it’s the same place i used to hide when … well… when things were bad. i forget it’s here most times. but i’m living here and have been for a long time… and at the moment, very glad for it. all the thoughts and feelings can swirl around outside, but they can’t be more than flickers on the wall from here. i am safe in here. both from the world and from myself.
at the moment, the latter is most important.
there is a lot more riding on seattle than anyone reading here can possibly know.
i’ll hear one way or the other on the tenth.
until then, this is where i am. limbo. for all i splash color and fury on these walls, it’s just distraction.
there’s a reason no one gets inside. and there’s a reason i no longer try to get out.
it’s pretty much the same, really.