pre-coffee thoughts.
by tomorrow, i’ll know which direction my life is turning, even as i have known it was taking a new direction for some weeks now.
the surge of Focus is just about to crush me, which means we’re not done just yet. but i am tired and this has been anything but enjoyable.
i can’t stop crying and i really want to. why is it people even use the word ‘friend’ when they don’t mean it? when what they really mean is ‘only when it’s easy’ or ‘only when you act as i want you to’ or ‘only when i am the only one who gets to inflict hurt’?
no friend could or would say those haughty, arrogant things.
no friend could or would say their words, repeated back to them, are somehow attacks.
of course i know it was never the friendship i’d hoped for… only a convenient crutch for them.
ironically, they accused me of seeking friendship out of need and not enjoyment of sharing. even as they sought friendship out of need and now, abandon it when that need is no longer present.
but i suppose i’m not supposed to notice. as usual.
by tomorrow, i will have convinced myself it doesn’t matter and that i’m better off.
by tomorrow, the last of what was being given will be reclaimed.
by tomorrow, i will remember that friends accept sincere apologies rather than say they do and then, play cold shoulder games until they can find the way to justify writing you off.
by tomorrow, i will remember the difference between a friend and a parasite is that a friend doesn’t leave you when you can’t give them what they need.
the last statement is so ironic it fucking hurts. knowing they didn’t have what i need, i remained… but as soon as they discover the same….