archival. state of mind. evidence for the defense. (wry grin)
On 8/11/07, ********* wrote:
> Ok, Where are you? How are you? You have been on my mind all week, and I am
> hoping you are well. I work tonight, but should be around tomorrow. If you
> need to talk, I’m here.
So much has happened that I do not know where to begin. I suppose I will start with things that have any relevance to what we have in common and proceed backwards from there.
I have left —— due to a rather spectacular series of events in which ******** has decided that my efforts and friendship in relation to him mean nothing in the face of my anger and concern for his choice to return himself and his two, young sons to the erratic and often abusive environment provided by his wife.
The manner in which he summarily discarded our friendship (but not before attacking me in every way) was proof enough to me that there is nothing of him or that place that is or will ever be helpful to me.
As is so very usual for men, he is convinced I am angry because “I want him for myself.” and thus, unable to see through it to what actually is… which is both annoying and disgusting to me.
But… done.
As for ——–, I have stricken what I could, and would see it all removed, but am so sickened at the thought of even having to communicate with him ever again that I will not write him to request it. So, it remains as it is and I simply removed it from my bookmarks and will never return.
I am in Georgia now and it looks as if that is where I will stay. The job in Seattle briefly flared back to life last week, but the deadline for hearing from them has passed and I no longer expect anything of it. So, at last, Seattle is truly dead.
As for myself, my online enjoyments are dying rapidly and in succession. This leads me to think perhaps I am slowly migrating offline and back to ‘the real world’ but it is a pensive time for me as my cynicism and skepticism do not provide for much enjoyment in the land of reality.
Add to this that I will be 42 on the 24th (which seems significant only because of the order of the numbers and my own enjoyment of the Hitchhiker series) and the notion of aging, being alone, and never being otherwise is slowly chewing me up inside as it has been over the last fifteen years or so.
Despite how this must sound, I am not unhappy per se. Perspective keeps things fairly balanced and while my emotions have their own cantina of despair in the back of my head nightly (special shows for holidays, solstices, and season changes, thank you!) somehow, every day, I manage to remember at least one reason to continue breathing.
I have never admitted this to anyone, and I’m not sure why I”m telling you… but sometimes I worry for the day when I can’t come up with that one reason.
I think I tell you because I know you will understand. Maybe. I’ve been so wrong about so many things lately — people… friendships… everything… I begin to distrust my own judgment and that’s never a good place to be.
Most of this is blogged, if you care for a look at the gore. Sometimes it helps explain things, sometimes it just confuses. But if it helps any, that’s the same reaction I have, and I live it.
I’d call you, but I hate not being able to talk and these things would just have me crying in your ear for however long it took. I try not to splash others with my despairs.
Anyway, that’s the update. Sorry it isn’t better news. I had hoped for better, but my hope doesn’t seem to be working much lately.
Thank you for caring. Be well.