i work really hard to be kind and compassionate and ethical in relation to others. but woe, my temper. it knows nothing of any of these. and does not care to learn of them.
i put up with much more than i should. but when i finally anger, you’d be wise to get the heck out of my path and leave me alone.
this is something people only seem willing to do after having it splash them. which bemuses me because i never fail in telling everyone i know – early and often – that this is the case.
do they really think i’m kidding? do they really just not understand that if it were something i could change, i would have done so by now?
but no. they forever act surprised and hurt and maybe even a tad frightened. and inevitably they have that ‘wounded innocent’ look as if somehow, i’m not allowed to be angry.
the things that make me angry are not many. but they are exquisite sore points here and to as much as breathe on them is a very bad choice for you, especially if you wish me to be in any way, shape, fashion, or form part of your life:
hypocrisy, lying, narcissism, passive-aggressiveness, violence and bullying, unreliability, and selfishness/self-absorption.
you bring any of those my way and you can damn well expect to be the target of what is effectively a thermonuclear attack. a very direct, in-your-face-personal-and-why-do-you-look-so-surprised one at that.
there is a special place in my mental attic for people who abuse my trust. the space is marked ‘fuck off and go to hell, go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars.’ you’d need to actually know me to know why this is the case. and when i say ‘know me’ i don’t mean think you do because you read here or have talked to me once in a while.
suffice to say, i may not like some things said or done by others, but i’m very clear on the notion that nothing and no one in this world is obligated to me for a damn thing.
on the other hand, if you’ve made a commitment to friendship or more with me and you abandon it in any way other than honestly and forthrightly (e.g., blame me for your shortcomings, refuse to forgive equally, use something that has happened as an excuse to cut and run, pretend you never made a commitment, etc.) you can damn well expect me to turn on you and you better be wearing a good kevlar/nomex blend.
if you expect anything else, get therapy because you’re fucked in the head and no one needs the kind of abuse in which your mindset results and to be damn sure i do not deserve it.
by the same token, every bit of that can and historically has been waylaid and dissipated by sincerity, and a return to honesty. the difference here is that i may blow up, but the only time i hold a grudge is when it is found something has been undertaken in deliberation rather than spontaneously.
so. now you know.
time for coffee.