the worst part about burnt bridges
is that, while they aren’t repairable
they are rebuildable
but humans, generally,
consider it impossible
i think because of ego and pride
there’s one person in my life who has hurt me so badly that i cannot forgive them and he’s either dead or close to it, so it no longer weighs on me. i suppose that sounds terrible. you’d have to know the history to understand why it isn’t. sorry, i’m not going to explain.
i’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately on matters of ‘how much is too much’, ‘where are the healthy boundaries’, ‘when should i stop forgiving’ and most importantly, ‘what should i never put up with from others’ in relation to the people i meet along the way.
i think i missed out on the selfish gene. to be sure, i missed out on the cultural indoctrination that seems to teach people that when it comes down to ‘them or me’, one should choose ‘me’ (self). i always choose ‘them’ and then they remind me how stupid i was to buck the system of “how it is supposed to work”.
but the part that really ticks me off is how they always precede that by marveling that i chose ‘them’ instead of ‘me’. it very often happens like…
‘oh. wow. you actually chose me?!?! that’s amazing!!! here, let me show you why that’s a stupid thing to do!’ ~stiletto to the ribs or back~
i still haven’t learned, have i? perhaps it’s more than stubbornness or will power. perhaps it’s simply physiological. i mean it. it just seems impossible for me. i keep ranting about how i’m going to choose differently but thusfar i just… can’t.
even when it hurts. 🙁
either i really am a bodhisattva or there’s something really, really wrong with me. problem is, i think it must be the latter. =/
what to do?