an interesting morning workwise, and a bit of pensiveness for the need to revisit a grave.
it is my own fault, of course. i could have cut this loose immediately and would not now be looking at it. i did not let it fully go then, thus, stand once more by the grave and choose more wisely in this moment than the previous one.
it is interesting how perspective changes over time.
angers pass and the heat they brought turns cool and fades as well. the pain of misjudgment and ego’s anger for it die like all things do.
instead of remembering the bad, the good rises soft and thronging until one feels as if it is impossible to take a breath without weeping for the foolishness of it all and the ways one’s own obscurations so often are contributory to the ends one would least wish manifest in the world.
early on, it was heaviness and pain for the sense of abandonment and neglect, for being misunderstood and defamed. but that was ego.
then it was heaviness and pain for grieving potential gone fallow and how stubbornness and fear create the very things they rise to try and avert.
then it turned to heaviness and pain for seeing other choices, untaken, and how it could have been different but for blindness.
finally, a curious numbness that also passes into nothingness… the last petals falling quietly and without notice, all things released and the attention shifts back to the moment… the ground is no more labeled and this piece or that are the same. there is no grave… only earth.
i remember how i used to visit my grandmother’s grave regularly. and i remember how i used to visit the children’s home grounds. over years, the need to weep and rock there lessened and the pain of it was no longer preferred. it was no longer necessary to remember loss and grief and paths made impassable.
i have the same feeling here, now, for all the ground is imaginary and the grave a marker of memory rather than life.
i should not have needed to keep it, the reminder. but i needed to keep it. as we need, we do. the need, passing, i stand here one last time… correcting the error and being thankful it is possible to do so. there are so many errors that, once made, cannot be unmade.
the heaviness and pain are gone. the veil of pensiveness slips and begins to fall as well. i feel it… silk upon skin… and smile for the breeze and its kindness.
i used to be so proud of being able to say i lived without regret. i cannot say i have never have regrets anymore, but at least i can say they too, pass.
safe passage. the most you can hope for and the best gift you can give yourself in any moment.