there is an odd parallel in my life that relates to the presence of cats and the nature of compromise.
i believe i have written previously in some anger or perhaps angst on the fact that i have never yet managed to keep a pet, a cat in particular, to its natural death.
for whatever reason, usually having to do with being thrown off kilter and having to scramble for footing, i wind up having to give them up.
no matter my best efforts, how much planning, how hard i work, or what i try, i am forever in a position where the only place i have to turn to is a place where cats are not permitted.
there is never any compromise. the cat must go or i must flounder and go under.
but perhaps i have been looking at it all wrong. maybe the issue has been more that i have been willing to give them up than tough it out and keep them. maybe, maybe, all this compromise to try and keep myself from drowning has been error and what i should have done all along was refuse.
it’s funny in a very sad way. i often am accused (and freely admit) that one of my biggest impediments in life is my inability to compromise. but over and over again, i do. i DO compromise… and each time, i miss or lose out…. each time, the choice brings nothing better and yet another memory of funny little faces and warm, comfortable companions, and me, at night, missing the sounds of purring or the pad of little feet at the end of the bed.
i suspect i have been compromising in all the wrong places. it would be quite an ridiculous thing, really… but that tends to support it as a possible truth more than anything.
i am forever compromising on things i should not be, and refusing to do so on things i should. here, in this moment, i see it rather clearly and it feels kind of like a ‘duh’ moment. and i am at once surprised and angry.
surprised because it feels like such an epiphany and angry because there has been no one willing to tell me to turn the fucking tables in all this time. always wonderful when someone is willing to do the heavy lifting, i suppose.
one way or another, i am going to find my way out of this mess. and when i do, i am getting another cat. and this time, no compromise.
stars it feels good to feel this resolve.