residual thoughts and general rambling. can’t say there’s anything important or interesting in this one.
of course it occurs to me today that there is time and perhaps things will change. but then it occurs to me how ridiculous it would be to count on or plan for it. so i wind up precisely where i was in the moment and that seems somehow like a confirmation.
not much else at the moment. my daughter is supposed to visit this weekend. we will see if she does. i have decided that i’m not going to tell her of this. contrary to what my son seems to think, she does not read here until or unless someone directly tells her to ‘go read this’ or whatever.
i realize my son doesn’t understand things like this, but i will not be the one to tell her what he really thinks of her. she doesn’t deserve that. not from him. but it is somewhat a good example of the anger issues. anyone who doesn’t immediately meet his needs or wants is decimated with a tonnage of anger and derision.
the sad part is, he thinks everyone else does this to him. you should hear or read some of the things he has written to me. it was painful to see how paranoiac he has grown up to be… always afraid. the more i tried to accept him, the more he was sure i was castigating and rejecting him.
and now… now that i had to, he’ll likely only tell himself he was right all along.
it’s sad.
i dunno. i reckon i’m pretty stupid to think it possible for him to actually want to feel loved instead of unloved. i guess i just assumed he would be like me in this area. he’s not, and his behavior is just like his “parents”. i’ve spent a few days crying for how much like them he is. in so many ways, i feel at fault for it and the weight of not being able to save him back in that moment is a heavy thing to me.
apparently, he somewhat obsesses over things. he certainly has obsessed over this blog or the notion that i write about things to reconcile and handle them for myself. he seems frantic to argue with me over it, but oddly unable or unwilling to admit to anything. the recent mess elsewhere by him delivers very clearly the reality that he is angry not because of what i write, but because he cannot insult and lash at me for it…. and because he wants to present “his side” to my friends.
to. my. friends.
do you understand what that actually means? or how sick it is?
he gets angry because i will not give him access. initially he said it meant i didn’t trust him. but he’d already managed to blow up at me a few times by then…. so i just told him he hadn’t earned that trust yet.
of course he held it against me. but now, we see why he wanted that access so badly… because he has a need not only to try and tear at me, but to try and tear at me by doing things he thinks will shame me or injure me with my friends.
which helped me understand that he hasn’t just been warped by his “parents”…. he’s been made sick by them. for the most part, i finally understand that until he is able to see past the poison they’ve fed him for so long, we really have nothing to share with one another.
it’s like residual radiation, what they did. i know for a fact my son loves me just as i love him. and i know he wants to have the same things i do in relation to one another. but i know now that the things his “parents” have instilled are still too strong, still getting in the way.
and so, as i have until this, i return to waiting. correcting myself from the previously entry…. never say never. this is the nature of what hope really is, and it only dies when you let it.