Well. Looks like Walmart got me. The foam mattress that was supposed to rise to 4″ thick has decided to stop at about 1 and 1/2″ thick.
It’s enough, but only barely.
Internet supposed to be here between 10 and 12. Coffee made, I have actually unpacked EVERY BOX for the first time in five years. I suppose you could say I’m making a commitment and maybe putting a little bit of the traditional grit and backbone into it.
The last seven years have been, in a word, hell. But the last five have been heavy in the way the first two were not.
I think the first two years, I was still in shock and perhaps licking my wounds and just keeping my head down and hoping life wouldn’t notice me too much. Of course, those two years I also went from Houston to Monroe to Blairstown… had the Infiniti repossessed, slept on the streets a bit, finally found the 89 honda… slept in it more times than I could count… got hassled by street folk and police alike… and a few things more I’d rather not talk about here.
2003, by the time I got to Blairstown, I was willing to admit I was too tired and beat down to do more than be there. No one really asked much of me, and I could just work and eat and sleep and forget I ever knew more than doing so.
Slowly, through 2004, I began thinking about things like ‘getting a job’ and ‘straightening things out a bit’, etc. So, of course, that was the time the IRS decided to swoop. It was almost funny. I remember very clearly telling them that if they could come over and find money I didn’t know I had, they were more than welcome to it, but that I doubted seriously three boxes, three suitcases, a beat up computer and an equally run down honda would be of much interest to them. An intimidating stack of paperwork and most of the last three years history submitted, they finally agreed I hadn’t anything they were interested in and surprisingly, issued a forgiveness to the contested and then adjusted “amount owed”.
Of course, at the same time, I was dealing long distance with a daughter who had decided (again) to run away and ‘live her own life’ as well as trying to convince the friend I was staying with (and whose mother I was nurse for) that he didn’t so much love me as need me. By the end of 2005, it was clear that if I wished to keep the friendship at all, it was time to move on down the road. Fortunately, I was in touch with Mom and Dad Z. and the in-law suite in Conyers was waiting.
2006 brought something of recovery. I found work quickly as a receptionist. I don’t know what was funnier, that I didn’t really want anything more than this or how mom and dad Z. were by turns surprised and perhaps a tad worried that I didn’t. By August of that year, somewhat out of boredom and perhaps a bit of wistfulness, I did look for other work and landed what I thought was my ultimate ‘dream job’ as a lore and content writer for a gaming company.
In the process, I did more than write. I learned the industry. How these worlds get made, the ins and outs of integration (putting the NPCs, resources, landscape, etc. together) and all the related issues of technology — balancing memory and server load against the presentation of an enjoyable gaming experience, etc. I also learned something about the industry that no one in it seems to speak of to any ‘outsider’ — that’s it is a fairly gristmill environment. Still, I was thoroughly smitten with it and happily ready to settle in forever and ever, amen.
Sadly, on September 1st, the company began what can only be described as a nose dive. I was laid off, their investors took the company over, and from all accounts, they sank into obscurity. Me, well, for the first time in a long time, I actually qualified for unemployment. Thankful of it, too, as the phone certainly wasn’t ringing and I was six months into a one year lease.
And, of course, this was the year of the arsonist as well. Someone met in January who effectively torched the last remnants of lingering optimism. By September, they had long since abandoned me and turned to bizarre neurosis and paranoia. But in September, thankfully, there was blessed silence on this front as well. In October, I found work in Florida and relocated. In November, I met someone who I dated until April of this year…. and who was as beneficial in restoring my optimism as the arsonist had been at destroying it. I now believe that was their sole purpose for entering my life… and send a smile and a ‘thank you’ to them.
2007 itself has been a year of rather quantum leaps across all areas. Most of the lessons of 2006 did not really find acknowledgment until August, and since that time, I’ve been gradually returning to myself… if that makes sense. Perhaps ‘remembering myself’ would be more accurate. There have been a few rather deep valleys to traverse in the process, mostly dealing with re-working ancient landscapes and understanding how and why the arsonist had the impact he did…. so I could truly set him to rest and get back to calming the ghosts unearthed by him long enough to find the way to let them go.
This process has been greatly eased by the arrival of two new friends and the discovery of something profound — the pattern and theme of my life and a sense of my purpose in this life. I suppose most of this is hindsight and perhaps even illusory itself, to the extent that history doesn’t exist and what I’m really looking at are the sum total of my memories. All the same, it is a great and deep comfort in this moment and I’m content to accept it as is it, as such, and let it be that for me.
I found work in another state in August. Telecommuted from then until now, and finally moved to be here and devote active presence to the effort.
And, as stated, for the first time in five years, unpacked every, single box. I had.
I refuse to attach huge significance to it…. but I do give it some significance, as this is the first time in these last seven years that I’ve felt confident enough to do so. I look at the bookshelves replete with the last of my favorites, the music amassed over the years, old games I’ve played, and movies that hold meaning… pictures of my son and daughter in their younger years… my guardian dragon, the pineapple lamp, and other knick-knacks that hold no meaning to anyone but me.
I fully expect 2008 to be a year of positive change and replenishment, but frankly, I’m not looking ahead at it. Today is Saturday, November 31st 2007 and I’m quite content to be here, in this moment, smiling.
2:00pm
Cable tech finally arrives. I get $20 off for him being late. Wow. That’s a first. He’s grunting and groaning for it, apparently he’s going to have to go under the house to wire. A convenient hole in the floor keeps him from having to drill, however. Small blessings, I suppose. Heh. As for me, the keyboard set up and everything connected, I realize I’m one USB port short for the camera. Hah, what a geek I am. So likely a small hub next payday just for convenience. All else is unpacked and I’m at last beginning to get that ‘at home’ feeling.
It seems to me that it normally takes one to three days to really begin thinking about a new place as ‘home’ and I suppose I shouldn’t, impermanence being what it is and all… but for the time being, it is nice to feel any degree of connection. I wrote not too long ago that the world is my home, and any one place hasn’t more import than another. That is still true. But I think the sense of there being a place I may call sanctuary, succor, and solace is not a bad thing.
That $20 will bring silverware into the house. So I’m smiling. Soon as everything is up and running, I’ll be posting these entries to the blog and dating them appropriately. Then, perhaps trying to catch up with a friend in the UK. Silverware tomorrow and perhaps another run by the thrift shops to see if there is a more comfortable chair for desk jockeying. This one has the lift broken on it and I find sitting this low to the ground is a bit on the painful side for back and feet. That will not do, considering I work from this location.
I feel some creativity coming, bubbling in the background, but have no idea yet how it’s going to arrive. Word, music, something else entirely….? Letting it stew and smiling. Seems I’ve been smiling a lot since I got here.