i am thinking of you tonight. long thoughts, they unravel like a skein of yarn, swollen and fuzzy with comfort. i am surprised that i still find you a comfort. as able to endure through anger, hurt, and tears in your silence, the thought of you remains a blanket on cold nights, for all it is woven entirely of my own thoughts.
i miss the way we used to talk. i miss that we could talk. i remember how it felt to feel as if i knew you or were known by you. funny, silly things, the way silence used to be a comfort and not an ache.
i sometimes wonder who hurt you so badly that the things i tried to do could only be seen as ugly and ill intended. i wish i could ask you this and hear something that would have it make sense to me.
i am still sad for the way such things can ever be possible in the world.
there are times when i feel as if we are sitting in our respective corners thinking about one another. of course i realize that is just my foolishness. mostly i think about you being happy and enjoying life and hoping you never think about me at all. i think i would be happy to feel all of this every day, the rest of my life if it means you never do.
i still cry. then i get angry at myself for it. like now. i wish it were possible to tell you how thankful i am for all of it — even the things that hurt. there are lessons in them that i’m still learning. i wish i could show you that so you could know even the hard words are given with a smile and gratitude. i don’t suppose that is something that would be understandable and i regret that. somehow i can’t help but think it was supposed to work that way for you, too, and that it may not or is not makes me feel sad. i am not sure why.
i begin to see how you cannot help but think as you do. it is not possible for me to explain to you but i keep feeling i should try. that, somehow, in words, i can convey it is not ‘you’ so much as the things found via your arrival, presence, and departure. does that make sense? probably not. how could it when filtered through the lens of offense and fear?
hopeless. sigh. i am sorry for that, too.
short words are best… i am still a friend. silent and distant, yes, but no less so.
as always, i hope you are well.