have you ever had an encounter that was both the worst and the best of your life?
if you know me at all, then you know that in 2006, i had precisely this. and if you are in touch with me at all, then you also know i had been wrestling with it pretty much ever since. until now.
there have been people come and go in my life, as is usual for us all. there have been people i got along well with and who drifted away, people i absolutely clashed with who sped away, and people i treasured who, due to circumstance and life, moved out of proximity.
but in every case, partings were things of closure, there was the chance to say what needed to be said, and to have it acknowledged even if it couldn’t be agreed.
i think i have finally figured out why it is that this particular person, this particular set of circumstances and events have been so difficult to get my fingers out of…. it was the first time in my life that i’d ever been accused of things i did not do.
hah. as simple as that. and yet, it has been anything but simple to deal with it.
i’m sitting here laughing at the goofiness of it. it has actually mattered to me that i’ve been wrongly condemned. i continued to think if they could… just… understand the truth, it would magically change and our friendship would not have to be a cold, dead thing.
of course the reason it mattered is equally simple. i do not like that someone could actually accuse me of such horrible things and think them true. ego, that, admittedly. all the same, it was hurtful.
but seriously, with almost two years gone by… why should or would i still care what they think? more importantly — why would i want to try to be friends with someone who LIKES to think me capable of such things?
even if you know me, you have no idea whatever how long i have sat with this and tried to understand it. or how long i have pondered on how i could demonstrate it to be wrongful, how i might prove to them that it simply isn’t possible i would or could ever do the things of which they have accused. how many times i have cried over it. how many moments spent running the gamut from hurt to anger to ache, spinning like a star-crossed top.
i’m laughing at myself. what a maroon. impossible. it is not a possible thing. people choose what they want to believe and if you’re unfortunate enough to be seen badly, there isn’t a damn thing you can do for it. it is laughable, really. the very idea that you can make someone see something that they do not want to see. when has it ever worked?
my last contact with this person was months ago, telling them something i’m only beginning to really hear for myself… that it is, in fact, impossible, and foolishness to continue trying or to allow myself to continue caring about something or someone who has demonstrated no care whatever of or for me.
but actually managing it beyond the saying has been a great deal harder to accomplish.
not, however, impossible. thankfully.
for the first time in almost two years, i actually feel peaceful. finally, i am shrugging it off. at long last.
i know who i am, and i know what i did and did not do. it doesn’t have to matter that there is someone out there thinking terrible things about me. it doesn’t have to hurt.
when you get right to the core — if they could think such things, they really don’t know me. and so it isn’t really me they’re thinking ill of, is it?
just isn’t worth the hurt. stars, you have no idea how good it feels to just write this and know it through and through.
i began this piece by talking about the worst and the best thing, all at once.
unlike this person, i am willing to remember the best things and to remember that they are present in my life, in this moment, as a direct result of the encounter.
and i am willing to remember, in spite of the spite of them, that these are beautiful things that the ill will and ugliness of the one who initiated them has no power to touch them, to even breathe upon.
i have found some very beautiful things as a result of this. the best and brightest being the conclusion that it is possible to have and savor them regardless, independent of the rest.
that’s a lesson. a pretty powerful one, actually. i am thankful to have encountered that person because these things are possible due to it. i can even say i am thankful for the ugliness, hatred, fear, paranoia, and spite of them because without it, a good many of these things would not have arrived in this moment.
i’ve given over two years of my life to entirely mis-founded hope. i think that is quite long enough.
i do realize these last two years of purging have been part of the process. i also realize this by no means indicates it’s wiped from my memory. but there is a difference… instead of thinking on it so regularly or wasting time wondering how to see it repaired, i can instead set it down and leave it behind me.
i suppose i was as eager to see them better than they were as they were to see me worse than i am. either way, irreparable and irreconcilable and finally…. done.