i was trying to describe this to someone earlier, the words weren’t exactly in place.
things, they are a’changing. as they always do, of course. but for the first time in a very long time, they’re changing in ways that are pleasant, helpful, and auspicious. well, i suppose it would be more accurate to say i am able to perceive them as so. hah. see? precisely.
i have recently put to final rest a matter than has had me somewhat torn up and hurting. i suppose it wouldn’t look like it to anyone but me, but that is perfectly alright… which is, itself, something of a profound change. no need to detail it, just setting the marker and moving on…
professionally speaking, it would seem i am entering a productive/successful phase and it is rather a delight to me. in this moment, i understand in ways i could not over the last years that my own perspective and (dare i say it?) cynicism in relation to the world at large has been something of a shadow against which it is likely many things that would have been successful have failed.
i take the blame as it is mine to carry, and then, release it as the ghost it is. hah. the past does not have to color the future. do you realize what a powerful thing that is?
i’m beginning to understand it and beginning to be able to actually do more than conceptualize it once more….this, something that once was quite natural and which i had forgotten.
it has instant applicability to everything.
just as we do not have to be the sum total of how others perceive us, just as we do not have to be the sum total of our experiences, just as we do not have to be confined by the labels (our own or those given by others), we do not have to be confined by our experiences, our fears, our hopes, or any of it.
in every moment, we can choose differently. the things that racked me with sorrow, heartache, or despair did so or do so only because i (for whatever reason) could not accept them as they are. the act of wanting something that wasn’t or isn’t present… this is the seed from which all the poison grows.
we do not have to plant it. we do not have to nourish it. but how easily we forget! i know i do. hah. in this moment, i remember…. and it feels glorious to remember! it’s like sunlight on the face, the body… you know that feeling when it’s all just…. right… just the way it is? that one.
standing on the threshold of ‘now’… no care for what rests behind, no concern for what may lie ahead, only that it is this moment and i am where i am… and, like every moment behind me, this one is filled with everything and nothing at all and the only deciding factor is whether or not i will embrace it as it is.
sometimes, i get so tied up in what i’d like to be, or what i could not see into being, or what i might see ahead, or what i’d like to see ahead, blah, blah, blah… i create this exquisitely painful crown of thorns and wear it as if somehow, it is worthwhile.
when… is… it… ever… so? hah! HAH! so easy… and yet so often, so impossible. i ponder for a moment how ridiculous i am at times. and wonder how long this will last. isn’t that just the way? the mind turns on things like this like a laser, and before you know it – you’re walking around wearing it all over again…. it reminds me of the six word instruction of Tilopa… which begins to make sense to me. obviously in English it is not six words… but the sense of it remains:
– do not react
– do not consider
– do not reach
– do not think on it
– rest
– relax and know what is
you know, i think i’m going to take that advice… for a change!