i said very recently to someone that it doesn’t matter how much good intent you have toward another, if all they can see when they look at you is bad intent.
this is a lesson i am learning on many levels of late, most of which have to do with disentangling myself from the weeds of poor choices and returning to what is known as my proper path in life. details are immaterial, really.
suffice to say that the notion of one’s presence being only fuel to unspeakable and ill thought, a balance between distant care and peace of any sort when there is such view in play is unattainable – thoroughly untenable on all counts.
admitted, it was at long last abandoned. i say ‘at long last’ because it took me nigh upon two years to manage to accept the simple reality of its truth. anniversaries abound, this one a little over two weeks ago, no longer to be observed.
i count it something of a victory. in the overall history of my life, two years to manage the abandonment of something held as pure, precious, and meaningful is astonishing. a quiet thank you to those who aided in the understanding, for all it was done equally quietly. sometimes, silence is loud.
in this moment, i find there is a difference between honoring and remembering. to honor is to treasure the intent. to remember is to try to hold to events. the former marks the path to peace, the latter, only suffering.
i think most of all, i am learning that it is possible not to suffer.
i was speaking with a friend tonight about the nature of convergence and how so often, it seems that events in my life tend toward the blatantly overt. i never get a subtle hint, always the neon sign. i suspect it is evidence of my stubbornness, that kamma knows me well enough not to bother with feathers – to reach with all immediacy for the sledgehammer. knock me in the head, split me like a ripe melon, and thank you… i’d rather the sharp and transient pain of now to the things i have chosen so often over these last years.
i am oddly content. i say ‘oddly’ because it is odd for me. unusual. strange even. for the first time in a very long while, somewhere close to ten years, actually, i am feeling truly peaceful. it is an unexpected shift, and much welcomed.
the sad thing about words is that if you use them enough, you’ll eventually say the same thing more than once and there’s no way to know it as more true in this moment than it was in any previous one. in such ways, words are ever lacking.
i have before said that for the first time in a long time, i am feeling truly peaceful. there is no way to use these silly words to convey the profound difference between any previous saying and the one that sits here, on this page.
it doesn’t matter but for my annoyance with this reality of the lacking of words.
i was writing something as i watched a movie tonight. i do this often, let the suspension of belief and the emotion of a moment’s fantasy merge and use it as fuel for creative endeavors. it is incomplete and a fuller version will likely be placed here in the not too distant future. for now, as it stands, a simple verse….
hoist the colors of love and life
fly them between you and me
there is never a wrong in need of right
we walk this world, ever free
paths are made by walking
be they rough or velvet smooth
in the garden of life, toil we
and by its seasons, move
the rest of this is still bubbling inside, and rather than try to force it here and now, i turn instead to the pillows and will unknot it slowly as i dream. i smile for it.