i’m starting to think maybe the effort to ‘make better’ is just kind of pointless.
i’ve been batting this ball of string around for a time now, the whole seesaw back and forth between ‘just as it is’ and ‘make it better’.
sitting here listening to the life soundtrack. loreena mckennitt’s ‘dante’s prayer’. holy hell. that brings up a lump in the throat. i really should know better.
and yes, i do realize i’m holding on with all fingers and most toes. and yes, i realize in the front of my head that’s the thing that has to change. just not having much success with it.
‘just as it is’ would be that it’s ok to hold it if that’s what i need to do. and obviously it is, because i am. ‘make it better’ would be that something must change. now. because it fucking hurts and don’t i deserve to be happy?
and oh, by the way, what the hell is wrong with me that i can’t manage it anyway?
sometimes i think i was better off when i thought i was the best thing since sliced bread and stuff like self-loathing and fears of being somehow deeply and irrevocably flawed were just… impossible.
i miss feeling like i was a good person, someone that others wanted around. hah. ‘You’ll See’ spins up. timing. bleh.
a nod to the calendar, the moon, and physiology. i dunno… i kind of feel like there’s a hell of a lot more going on back in ol’ croc brain than i’m aware of… feels like the ground is slipping out from under me.
it takes more strength to cry and admit defeat. not sure i believe that, but that’s what they say.
there’s a lot more spinning around here than i’m saying. probably wise. shutting up for now.