kamma, i find, is kind in how it delivers certain lessons. today i learned one that a good two years of struggle and effort could not meet. it arrived in the guise of an exchange from a stranger. thankfully, i was able to see it at all. i’m still quivering with it. i had not thought to note it here, but in the interest of maintaining things, and setting markers, i suppose i must.
i was telling my friend michael earlier of how i had received a rather odd series of contacts from someone who seemed purely oblivious to how their words were hurtful, harmful, and wrapped in such arrogance as to put me off entirely from having any interest in engaging them. ever.
i will not provide specifics, since they seem irrelevant (as odd as that may sound). suffice to say it was an innocent connection filled with the same potential that all such things bring. i was enthused, and set myself to be peaceful, kind, and take any anticipatory tendencies out of the picture.
the first exchange found a welcome given by me returned with a rather heavy critique of my wording and an outright condemnation of both it and me. i was…. stunned. and in decidedly unusual fashion, did not get angry for it. just felt a bit bemused and replied to them that considering i was not reaching out requesting a critique, perhaps they might be a bit kinder?
the next exchange began with their reply, that insinuated my comprehension was “obviously” lacking, and that i misunderstood them entirely. further, that i did so was “obviously” a sign of my internal views interfering.
not even a year ago, i think i would have gleefully proceeded to flay skin from bone and demonstrate the difference between the assumption and judgment in play and the reality of what an effort on my part to be of such intent would look like.
but in that moment, instead, i laughed. the reason that laughter was so immediate and anger, simply impossible, was manifold. most reasons having to to do with the reality that any attempt to remedy the misunderstanding could only nourish it further, but also because in the series of actions and reactions, i recognized something that both made me sigh and made me laugh for how blind i had been to it previously.
this person was, with all sincerity, telling me how unable they were to interact with me except by constantly challenging me, constantly calling my thoughts and even my abilities into question. there could be no way to respond to them that would do other than result in still more challenge and derision.
i could not hope to know why, let alone understand what motivated it well enough to be kind in relation to it.
i could not as much as imagine how to reply to any of it without somehow sealing it as justified and correct and inviting still more of it to fly at me. stones and shards, flung over distance.
and so, without saying anything more, without explaining, without returning any of it in kind or unkindly, i simply did not respond. i set the incoming address to route to my trashbin and quietly, utterly, without further debate, gave it up.
not because i think they are a bad person.
not because i was angry.
not because i didn’t want to know them.
simply because there was no way to speak to them that would not continue to cause them to feel it necessary to react so, and simply because to attempt it with this sense so heavy upon me would be to invite and encourage suffering for both of us.
the bounced email has been forwarded to me by this person four times now since i decided to forego bouncing it and simply route it to my trashbin. i empty the trashbin and contemplate the kindness of kamma that brings me such a true rendering of a pattern i could not, until this moment see.
i contemplate the kindness of those who have lent their energy to the lesson so that, in this moment, i could see it.
i contemplate the kindness of me, to myself, that in this moment, i am willing, and thus, able, to see it.
i contemplate, briefly, the reality of recent blindnesses to it and how that, too, lent to this moment and a different choice…. a choice to negate suffering rather than nourish it.
i suppose i could feel proud. i might have had the thought to feel so. but in this moment, what i really feel is a heavy sense of something that hovers between sadness and peacefulness. i am sad that i cannot be someone who would be other than a thorn that pricks to this stranger. i am sad that it is impossible to manage it.
i am sad for the echoes of this pattern, repeating, even as i acknowledge and am thankful for shattering it in this moment well before more than the sense of suffering is here.
i see it. i recognize it. i am thankful for this and honor those who, both by their presence and their absence, helped give me the ability to see and recognize.
a lesson, learned. i am thankful of this, too. hence the peacefulness.
and now, here, in this moment, i set the marker with steady and calm hand… and give honor and thanks silently for all of it, and let it pass as all moments do.