caffeine is not going to help today.
last night was, without a doubt, one of the worst nights i have had in a very long time.
i have been struggling with something lately. a thing that never used to bother me at all. lately, it seems to be getting harder and harder to avoid the weight of it. it has begun infiltrating my dreams and insomnia is beginning to become a problem.
i sat up in the early am and thought about who i might call. someone i might talk to, someone who would be other than willing to cuss at me for calling them at such an hour. someone who would actually pick up the phone and not let it go to voice mail.
there was no one.
so, scrambling, i thought about who i might write or record to, who would perhaps see it in time to be of any help (or who would want to be so).
there was no one.
by this time, the realization of these two things had already pushed the weight of it all onto me. i knew one person who would get any of it and do more than shrug or shake their head and delete it. and it made me feel bad and somewhat sad that i was so weary and worn down that the notion of sending it to them just to feel as if i weren’t so alone with it was ‘a good thing’.
i am reminded of how my daughter calls me now and again… always at some odd early am hour…. always with a bad dream or something similar. i always answer. i listen. i soothe until she is no longer crying and can speak clearly. i stay with her until she is calm and can return to sleep.
i never thought about it until now. how glad i am that she has me to talk to, and how sad i often am that i cannot think of a single person in this world who would answer the phone for me at 2am or 4am and actually be willing to stay with me until i was no longer crying… until i could speak clearly… until i could sleep.
not even mom z.
i don’t think human beings do well with solitude. there is a difference between apartness and solitude. i live most of my life apart and am fine with it. but solitude rises from deeper places… and is often difficult to endure.
last night, i really needed someone… and realized — i have no one. i made my recordings as i could. set them where i usually do. clubbed myself with the realization until sleep was like an anvil and i, a happy bit of mud ground into oblivion by it.
i think i’ve had about two or three hours of sleep. suffice to say that i am fogged today for it. detached.
likely a good thing.