someone asked me in the context of learning more about me, “what makes you laugh? what makes you cry? what leaves you wanting more?” i’d never thought about those things in the context of trying to describe myself. it made for an intriguing exercise. i’m placing it here because the response was easier than i thought… and perhaps worth keeping.
“What makes you laugh?”
There are a host of things that make me laugh. Most of them relate to my own monkey-minded humanity. Sometimes, I laugh to see myself reflected in others. I laugh at sweet things, sappy things, things that bring irony into the spotlight. I laugh at innocent humor that harms no one or underscores the shared aspects of what it is to be human. I laugh with delight. I laugh when embarrassed or nervous. I laugh when relieved. I laugh sometimes just because I can, and to remind myself it is a release that is available in any moment. Good medicine, that.
“What makes you cry?”
What makes me cry? Too many things. I’m filled with sap that just loves to run over my eyelids. It’s sometimes annoying. I cry for tender things, for tragic things, for pointless loss or touching scenes. I cry for beauty – be it in music, art, thought, or experience. I cry for the pensive sense of saudade that hovers in every moment — the delicate beauty of transient things. I cry for loss, for wishes unfulfilled, for witnessing the pain of others, that resonant thread in a voice ragged with emotion. I cry for dreams of humanity that we can’t stop fighting long enough to allow to be, and for childish wonder that reminds me how simple it could be. A good many things besides, but I suppose this would be enough to make a comprehensive reply.
“What leaves you wanting more?”
What leaves me wanting more? Hm. Now you see, that is difficult. Both because, as a human, I always want more… of anything, everything… and also because I rarely allow myself to yearn for things that life and experience demonstrate are not intended to be had. Perhaps that sounds a contradiction. A good example would be ideals. An ideal exists to motivate those who find them worthwhile to strive toward it. But they are infinitely out of reach. The purpose of the ideal is not attainment, but reaching. In this context, to always want more is both noble and healthy. In this context, I am perpetually lacking rest.
On a more directly personal note, things that often leave me wanting more are midnight back rubs, shoulder massages, the last slice of a good cheesecake, and the sound of a door closing as a good friend turns for home. Other candidates (this list would only get longer the more I think upon it) would be movie credits, the final strains of a favorite song, and to walk through a graveyard on a quiet weekend day. I do realize there is only so much ‘more’ that any human will ever experience. It is a wistful thing at times — the notion that no matter how much you do, how much you think, how much you see or experience, there are so many things that will never been done, thought, seen, or experienced.
I suppose that is why I am so intensely committed to doing what I can, when I can, for as long as I can…. a pitiful defiance of the inevitable.