i am uncertain why i am thinking of you in this moment. the part of me that remembers ancient places and deep waters knows. the rest of me groans with unwanted reminders of hurtful things.
i remember how long it took me to stop talking at you. i remember the hideous lies you still think are true. i remember the anguish of trying to show you differently and realizing it was impossible.
realizing that you want to think those things. realizing that you want to believe them.
i do not know why i am thinking of you, but i am glad it is a distant and nebulous thing rather than what it used to be. and i am glad i can still smile to think you happy. i am glad to want and wish good things for you.
just over two years now… hardly seems so. i am surprised for it. also relieved. i was afraid it would take much longer.
everything is gone but memory. i find myself wishing there were more happy ones to recall.
i look forward to the memories fading. i look forward to distant ripples on unknown shores that do not need my remembrance.
i look forward to being able to think your abandonment kinder… and the moment when even the need to be happy for your happiness passes… to stand by the cliffs and let the last slivers fall into nothingness.
someday. someday.