i have labored for some time under the weight of despair for certain aspects of my life that simply do not seem to be changing. trying to shrug off years of events and history as the illusion i know them to be and finding myself hamstrung by inability to do so.
here, i think, is where the truth of the abyss between intellectual knowledge and human acceptance rests. it is one thing to say you know a thing to be true, still another to accept it as truth to the degree required to affect a manifestation of that acceptance in one’s behavior or thinking, and yet another to manage that manifestation and begin living and moving naturally with it as an incorporated aspect of one’s known reality/life.
i find and admit (albeit very reluctantly) that it would seem i am somehow attracted to this despair. it is the only conclusion that makes sense, for all it is still rather nebulous and fuzzy to “look” upon in any way.
it is an odd struggle. on the one hand, i am very eager indeed to break out of it and get the hell away from it. leave it far, far, behind. on the other, there is a sense that i cannot manage it on my own. that something other than myself is necessary to affect the outcome.
a rather pitiful place to be since such a thing is impossible.
there is part of me that has been looking my entire life for someone to show me in ways that i cannot seem to show myself that i matter, that i am worthwhile, that i am lovable and am someone that another would be willing to fight for, give for, and yes, sacrifice for.
yes, i know how that sounds. but it is true. no sense denying it.
and just as deeply as i have longed to have this happened, i have also despaired all along that it is impossible. that the ugly little secret is that i’m just not someone that anyone would ever do this for. that i have never been. that my entire life has been evidence of it and i am simply too stubborn to accept it.
a good many years and a number of circumstances wherein i thought perhaps if i exhibited myself that which i wanted so much for someone to display in relation to me, maybe then, it would be understood and someday, done.
of course it is something like asking for a gift. if you have to ask, it didn’t occur naturally. and that’s just it… this, this that i long for, it doesn’t occur naturally. not even in me.
you’d think by now, i’d realize and accept what that points to… but i did mention i am stubborn, did i not?
it is a perfect example, though. my hope is a futile hope because it is a hope that hangs upon guarantees rather manages than without them. and my despair is an arrogant and selfish despair because it is of that type that assumes the worst and refuses to grant anything other than this to myself… let alone anyone else.
which brings me to the painful admission that it is very likely, probable even, that i am where and how i am simply because, for reasons i cannot yet see or understand, it is precisely where and how i want to be.
of course, my entire being howls “NO!” at that. in ways that letters on a page cannot possibly convey. but the intellect is savagely detached and its logic cannot be denied.
i don’t know what my point is other than to get this out of my head an onto paper. it is not a very happy thought, but it is where my mind is in this moment. there is not a single aspect of my life with which i am content other than the fact that i am still alive. and yet, i cannot seem to manage more than stillness in relation to it all.
my mind spins like a child’s wind up top and all manner of things pour out… but nothing more than words. i have become impotent, it seems. i do not know how to break the pattern. and there is no one who can do it for me.
saddest of all, the only thing i can say, even now, after having said all of this, is, “I wish there were.”
it repeats and repeats. i can only get so far away from it before it resets and i do it all over again. i am all but convinced that i am fundamentally broken. that there is an impediment in my head that i just cannot get past. and there is nothing for anyone who gets near me but to be shredded by its edges because it is all i have.
i grimace as i realize that, in this, i am just like my sister. like my mother. like my father. like my “family”.
for all i have fought and struggled to get away from them, here, now, they are in my face and there is no escape… and i realize….
i haven’t gone anywhere at all. i have not managed anything at all. i am in stasis.