it’s 1:35am and i cannot sleep. my daughter sent me a text message today from florida that made me go dancing around the apartment. she sends me a note that said she’d be dropping by. my head filled with thoughts of a bohemian paradise weekend, coffee shop and the knick-knack store, laughter and love and closeness.
i decided to call and tell her how excited i was for it. turns out it was a broadcast text message “to everyone”, and she forgot i was on the list. she was announcing to her atlanta folks that she’d be back for the weekend.
so yeah, kind of glum here. so then, i thought i’d soothe myself with some friendly conversation.
picked up the phone and dialed a new friend. got voicemail. no worries. left a happy note saying, ‘call whenever, maybe we can do coffee this weekend.’ got a callback about an hour and a half later with a rather blunt statement that they were deciding they needed to move on but ‘thanks for the fish’ and whatnot.
nothing like being set on the curb to make you feel all sunny. bleh.
officially solemn, i decided to finish reading my book and then, kick open skype. meh. radio silence. do you begin to get the feeling i’m a little on the lonely side in this moment? well, yeah, i am.
thought i’d call a new friend out west and see if we might recreate the fun of last week… but they’re likely busy preparing for the sunday gig. voicemail again and a message left and finally bored enough to do some housework.
i clean entirely too fast, of course. afterward, i tried to call my local friends, but they are all out and about. voicemail to each one, the usual, chipper ‘call me’. this is a routine i dislike because by the time i’m through trying to reach everyone, all i can think about is how alone i am or how rare it is that any of them… bleh…. not going there.
not in writing, anyway.
normally, i just shrug my shoulders and go enjoy myself by myself. but sometimes, the weight of not seeming to have any choice in the matter pins me. like today/tonight.
it’s useless for me to go out when i’m in the frame of mind, because all i do is look at everyone else in couples or groups that are laughing and having fun sharing time with each other and i feel like i’m shriveling with envy and frustration. i don’t like that feeling, so i try not to feed it.
don’t get me wrong. i like myself just fine. i spend long periods of time getting along with myself and enjoying myself and doing my own thing just fine.
but every now and then, i’m faced with the reality that it’s a damn good thing i do like myself and it’s a damn good thing i do tend to enjoy myself with myself just fine… and these moments of loneliness are not any more than transient…. because damn if the fuckers aren’t enough to make me cry every time and i really don’t like the feeling that comes when i do.
i think about trying to touch base with my friends back in georgia, but it’s almost 2am now… that’s not gonna happen. so, instead, i am dumping it out of my head and letting myself get all leaky-eyed about it for a moment.
then, of course, i’m just going to either go read or maybe watch a movie until my eyes refuse to stay open… sometimes, if i catch them right, i can rush to bed and actually fall asleep before my mind realizes it.
sometimes.