well. i didn’t nap today thinking it would keep me from popping awake at this hour. i was right. i didn’t pop awake at this hour. i just didn’t go to sleep. sigh.
i’m feeling a bit lonely. someone i was talking with out west and really feeling very optimistic about knowing seems to have disappeared. i sit here and flip back and forth between being worried almost ill for them and being angry, depending on what i think has happened. like i know. hah. i made one last call tonight. i just don’t have the stamina to chase anymore. and i shouldn’t have to. but it makes me sad. i liked them. really liked them. part of me says, ‘yeah, figures, don’t it?’ and the other part just bites my lip and tries not to cry.
i met someone locally that i like quite a bit as well. but i don’t think i’m what they’re interested in, considering they seem to have a passel of female friends “with benefits” and i’m not looking to join that list for anyone, no matter how adorable they look. so we’ll see if we become friends or if being unwilling to be on the list precludes that.
my friend in the uk says i’m too picky. well, they don’t actually say it, but it seems to hover there, just hidden between the lines. of course, i know it for projection. secret fears always manifest in others. it’s just view and perspective, really… but sometimes i forget.
i suppose were i to say it more accurately, i would say i worry for being too picky. actually, i feel a bit angry that wanting what i need and insisting upon it seems to mean i am to be alone. i find it hard to fathom that i am so different that the things i find fundamental aren’t at all ‘popular’ in the context of relationships anymore.
i told my friend in the uk that i want to be able to just be good to someone. to know they look forward to being with me. to be confident that i’m not the ‘until something better comes along’ woman. all the conversations get in the way. the things i’d like most to say don’t have words. they linger in touch, and in quiet. they drape in early morning snuggles and shared spaces, under covers, trailing lightly.
loving touch is different than needful touch. everyone knows the difference between a touch that is hungry and a touch that is caring. i want to speak without words, and be understood. i think that’s why i like animals so much… and maybe why they like me, too. but i am pensive for the thought that i cannot seem to find a human with which to share such things.
i remember one meeting in february wherein someone said that they couldn’t tell by looking at me all the things they’ve seen here, at this blog. that the depth didn’t show. i laughed and told them it was likely as well. and that i used to talk like this out in the world, but time and experience have taught me that most people don’t like or want it. so now, i write. and i wait. and i sigh. and i hope.
my friend in the uk asked me how i was feeling. i said mostly i am frustrated and angry. but that it inevitably turns to sorrow. i prefer the anger, it doesn’t hurt as much.
i’m glad that all moments pass. it means this one, in which my heart is heavy and my eyes are wet and i feel despondent will pass, too.